Jesus, My Mercy and Reconciliation

Below is a retreat talk I gave earlier this year, people ask about your purpose in life and what your Why is. I am not always sure I truly know but what I do know is that I am a work in progress, constently growing, changing evolving.

Open Song: Papercut by Linkin Park

Forgiving Others

I love the line in that song that says, we all have a face we hold inside. For me there has always something inside myself I was battling, but it’s been through Jesus and my faith where I have found my mercy and my ability to heal, grow and forgive.

Apologizing wasn’t something that came naturally to me or was ever really taught to me growing up. Up to the age of seven I was primarily raised by my mother who was an addict, while I was still living with her, her primary drugs of chose were heroin, cocaine and alcohol. I bring this up because I am not sure if any of you grew up similarly but there is not apologizes in addiction households. It might seem silly but partly because many times, the person does not remember what they did, or because to talk about it made it more real. An example I can pull from growing up is that my mother broke her best friend’s nose, a woman who helped to raise me named Roz, and there was never an apology for the action.

 

So forgiving others, or knowing how to ask for forgiveness was not something that was part of my early education. My education in this area came much later and after a lot of personal pain. Anger and hatred have a funny way of eating away at us, my anger turned me against people and against God. When I was seven, my mother began to downward spiral that started when we received the news that my 16 year old brother had been shot and killed by a 15 year old boy name Jeremey during an argument. Then when I was ten I then got another phone call that my mother had been found dead on the side of a road. The circumstances around her death are still not clear to this day.

To say I had a lot of areas I was pouring anger out onto is an understatement, however the truth was that none of the people I was angry with had any idea or were effected by my rage. My brother’s killer was in jail on as different charge by the time I was in high school, my mom’s ex boyfriends who left bruises on her had move on, the dealers that fueled her habit didn’t remember her, and my mother was dead and God…while to me God thought I was big joke. How untrue I know that is now however that where I was at sixteen.

However, God always has a hand and his mercy was still working through my life even during this time. This all became apparent during an experience that forever changed me. First part of it was actually during a retreat I was forced into going onto by my mom’s best friend how had taken over raising me after my mother died. I remember a talk about what reconciliation was, and understanding how because of my hatred, my anger, my unwillingness to forgive and ask for forgiveness I was blocking my relationship with God. Now while I didn’t fully know what type of relationship I wanted with God, there was something in me, underneath all the brokenness that wanted something. And while I couldn’t fulling express it I knew it was there. A month later I had a personal encounter with a homeless woman at a free lunch program I was volunteering at as part of a Young Christian and Work Holy week retreat, it seems odd and the only way I can explain it is that, this woman looked like my mother and somewhere deep deep down inside me there was a clarity that my mom wasn’t suffering anymore, that through her death she was freed from a life full of pain. It was Holy Thursday when this took place, now I look back and I am able to make the beautiful connection between the last supper and this supper program for me. The next night we celebrate stations of the cross, and at the station where Jesus meets his mother, I was mentally taken back to walking into our apartment the day my brother was killed and vividly remembered the look on my mother’s face that day, she was completely broken, without will to fight or do anything, I can only imagine Mary must have looked similarly. That night I went to reconciliation and at first I couldn’t say anything and finally I started to talk and cry and talk and cry. For the first time I could remember I finally said out loud that I was mad at my mom, my brother and at God. I remember Father Gary just listening and finally I remember the weight that was lifted off of me during absolution.

I also like to say here that it wasn’t a quick fix, but it was the start of the journey, I started to go to mass with Roz again, and really listening to what was said, I spent time journaling about my anger and I read a lot, from everywhere. By summer people who hadn’t seen me since the start of the change told me how they didn’t recognize me at first because I looked so different. And it had nothing to do with my outward appearance, it was an internal change that was shining outward. That following spring, I was finally confirmed.

Forgiving Myself

If my teens where about learning to forgive other people, my 20s have been a lot about forgiving myself. Because while I had let go of the pain others had caused me, I still held onto a lot of stuff I believe was my fault. I have always wanted to be perfect. When I was little it was about, being the most perfect daughter on the face of the earth, in hopes it would stop my mom from relapsing. In school it was about proving I was more than my learning disability. In my 20s it was to prove that I was more than the girl with the dark history. The standards I held myself to and still do at times (we are all a work in progress right) were beyond human. This failure lead me to a lot of unhealthy habits, I struggle with body dysmorphic disorder, which is a big fancy why of staying that I don’t realistically see my body. It has throughout my life lead to bouts with anorexia and bulimia.

While I was able to forgive others, I have always held myself to a high standard. In some ways I was a good thing, it help me to work hard and make progress. It lead me to competing and winning scholarship money in pageants, completing a Master’s degree in Public Administration and being totally self-sufficient by 20, living on my own and working full time while going to school full time. However nothing was ever been good enough. No pageant title was big enough, no degree was high enough, and ect. And because my standards could never be met and sometimes I still struggle with this, I was a failure in my own eyes. I was trying to create a perfect life, as a way to prove that I was a good person.

Then at 26 I found myself facing the biggest failure I could imagine, I broke off my engagement to my boyfriend of 3 years and found myself for the first time totally alone, in a city that wasn’t home and having to rebuild my life for the bottom up. Before I broke the engagement off, I was at mass after receiving communion and I just prayed that God would let me what to do. I promised I would obey whatever he led me to. The evening the answer became clear. Still I remember feeling like such a failure and humiliated for my decision.

I was suffering, I was in pain, I was fat. Yes, I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life and with my body issues that became even more depressing for me. So there I was living in a studio apartment, without my friends due to the breakup, alone and fat. However I had a hope that the breaking down who I thought I should be, was going to help form me into what I needed to be in this world. The issue was, I couldn’t hear God, I was in a deep personal dark night of the soul and I had no idea how to move out of it.

I found my place of forgiveness in the oddest area, a gym. I was on a journey to loss the weight I had put on from my breakup and get back into pageant shape. Once again looking for external approval of myself. A friend of mine recommended I contact a personal friend of his for help losing my weight. I trusted my friend and because of that trusted my coach. I remember sitting down the first time to meet with him about my goals, he asked me if I had ever heard of CrossFit before. I remember it as I probably almost laughed and said all I knew about it was that they yell at you a lot and make you throw up. He promised me no one had ever thrown up at his box (aka gym). I didn’t know why but like I said I trusted him and was desperate to try and take control of my body and that part of my life again. And while I was struggling, God gave me people who saw my potential in my far beyond what I could see. Once again God mercy and plan were there but in a very odd why. It took the breakdown of my relationships, body and life to create something totally new in me.

When I first started I was also working on a degree in Pastorial Studies and was in a class talking about suffering of all things, we were working through the book of Job and let’s face it if anyone knows anything about personal suffering it’s Job. Through the process of physical suffering, I was starting to develop a deeper relationship with Jesus.  I also started to look at my body differently. In CrossFit it isn’t so important what your body looks like, as what your body is capable of doing.

God made each of us fearfully and wonderfully made, we are to use everything he gave us to glorify him. God gave me this outlet and I was going to do the best I could through it. I realized that what was causing my lack of ability to forgive myself was stopping me from growing into relationship. I had to let go of what I thought prefect was to allow God to make me into his prefect child. Finally I started to feel a connection again. At the same time at CrossFit I had to let go of my end perfect goal, and forus on each small success and victory I had made. And the more I let go of what I thought my perfect life should be, the more God has opened up to allow me to see where he wants me to go next. And while it isn’t totally clear in CrossFit if I will ever be like Camille Leblanc-Bazinet (CrossFit Games Champion), because I am not her. And in my life its not clear what my next career or personal move should be, I am least at a place of listing for the answers again.

One of the scripture passages that I have reflected on during all of this has been from 2 Corinthians Chapter 12 V 7 through 10. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So that’s where I am at now, I’m not perfect and at times I still hate it but I also know that my ability to be a disciple I need to not only forgive others but also forgive myself. Everything I have gone through, all the hardships have made me the person I am today. My ability to forgive others and myself has helped to free me to be more who God truly called me to be. It through his mercy and love I have been able to go into a better human being to honor him.

Closing Song The High Road- Three Days Grace 

What do you want to be when you grow up?

This is a question we are asked as we grow up, more and more you need to have a plan in life and an idea of where you are going. I don’t know if I really ever had that plan. Truthfully, while I did spend time figure out what I thought I wanted to do in high school, life found a way the pull me in a lot of different directions.

I always knew one thing for sure, I never wanted to be my parents. I know that sounds harsh, and please don’t take it as that I don’t love my parents. But I am also very realistic about the type of people that are/were. I have touched on it before by my mother passed away when I was 10 years old and had problems with drugs and alcohol and all that goes along with it. My dad, is really another blog for another day, but let’s just says it wasn’t easy growing up.

I am proud of all I have been able to do in myself even with everything that happened. I went to college and got a Master’s Degree something no one else in my direct family ever did. I have aunts and cousins who also have their Master’s. Work full time managing a retail store while holding now a full schedule of classes during part of that time. When I wasn’t doing that, I did some major hustling to make sure my bill were paid, working lots of different part time jobs and doing side work when needed.

I don’t have a problem with hard work by any means and think I have a really good work ethic. However more and more I feel like my life doesn’t have direction. I work hard and try my best at my positions. God has blessed me with people in my life that love me and accept me; however I wake up some days not sure where I am really going and if I have totally gone done the wrong path.

I ended up in Rochester totally by need.

About five years ago, I was sharing an apartment in Batavia with a roommate and things went south. I couldn’t afford the apartment on my own and was left with a couple options, move home, find another place to live or move in with my boyfriend of 6 months who I spent half my week with anyways. Moving home was not an option I would even entertain for a number of reasons, so I went with the easiest and fastest solution-move in with the boyfriend.

At the time I really did love (as much as you can at that point in a relationship) and deeply care for him and while it was way sooner than I have every hope for, I thought it was for the best. Rochester become a second home for me. Thanks to his circle of friends and my later job at Saint Kateri Parish, where I was able to form community. Then, like many stories, things went south with the boyfriend (at time fiancé). I can’t pin point totally a moment when it happened but slowly and surely I found myself unhappy in the relationship. I turned to food, drinking and taking many trips away to get away what was happening hoping something would make it all better, but nothing helped. Finally it all came to a head and the break up happened, for the first time I was going to have to figure out a plan for my life. I am lucky to have a strong sense of survival in me and I went full on into protection mood. I found a studio apartment to live in (cheap, available and fit my price range) and kept pushing ahead.

Then about six months after the move I had to deal with it all, to say I felt like a failure would be an understatement. I had in 3 years time gone from living in a 2 bedroom apartment that I have fully outfitted, to a one bedroom apartment but in the nicest area of Rochester, to finally a studio apartment, with a lot of hand me downs and in not the best area of Rochester. Here I was, a Master’s Degree hanging on the wall but totally alone, and not sure where to go.

I have to say however that over the last 3 years I have done a lot of work on myself. I found new passions, creating my circle of friends and loved ones and proved to myself no matter what I would be ok. However not I can’t keep living in survive mood anymore. I am stuck and I don’t know how to start moving upward again. Truthfully it’s time to really look at what I want from my life. I am not a kid anymore; I am getting closer to my 30s and its time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Just when I thought I had learned everything I needed to, it’s time to learn more

Failure

While it’s been a long time! Like most people life has seemed to get away from me. After competing in a pageant in October, I felt this odd sense of completion. I am not sure if you every experienced it but it was truly like I had closed a door and my life was ready to move on.

Move on to what was the really big question! I connected to train at CrossFit Fruition, as I did find a home away from home with this Box. Those are words I never thought I would be saying. Never had I thought I would find joy from lifting weights, running and doing box jumps. I however found a complete sense of belonging and satisfaction from my daily workouts.

I made the decision to ramp up my workouts and see how much and fast I would really be able to do, competition is just part of who I am and it seem like a natural fit to train and hopefully compete in something I really enjoyed doing. So here we are in my first CrossFit Open season.

Am I most likely going to do horrible….yea! My skills still need to be developed a lot but at least this way I will know what and how much work I need to put in. However even with this understanding…it doesn’t mean feelings of failure don’t creep up.

Failure is an issue I dealt with a lot, if I look at my life I can see a lot of failures….or I can see a lot of things I learned from. At some days I do see them like that, lessons I learned however sometimes it’s hard to see the glass half full and I don sink into feelings of being less then (fill in the blank).

So what am I trying to get at? 

While during those times when I feeling like a failure there are a couple of things I like to remember:

• Do not believe too strongly in appearances. I don’t believe I am alone at looking at my worst parts against someone’s best. I try to remind myself not to and at times it’s hard.
• It helps to have honest conversations with others. Whatever is your area of struggle find someone else who is working in it because you then become less isolated.
• There is no road map. This is true for life, of course, however I have found that when you start to plan the map will start to evolve.

I hope those help, look for me to start posting more! Next week I will catch you up on the pageant world.....even though I am done competing I have some exciting things still going on :) 

We Wear Purple of Fridays

During the month of October, we raise awareness of two major issues that affect women. Growing up I never understood how someone as beautiful as my mother would allow herself to be treated, verbal and physically abused by her partners. I remember her coming for visits with me with longs sleeves and heavy foundation to cover the bruises. However I know more than those physically marks it was the belittling and verbal assaults that left her feeling worthless and sadly desiring of the physical abuse.

I didn't completed understand how someone who brought so much love and joy into my life wouldn’t feel the same and I also couldn’t understand how anyone could ever want to hurt my mother. It took me years to understand what lead my mother to a place where she felt that if someone didn’t hit her, they didn’t love her. And while I will never completely be able to understand, I at least could see how my mother ended up there.

To me, my mother was vibrate, loving and in many ways childlike. She had a deep need to feel loved and accepted, and unfortunately those needs were preyed upon and created a horrible situation for my mother and for me at time also. I lived off and on with my mother till the age of seven. To go into detail about life back then seems unnecessary for this blog. To get a slight picture let’s just say life was filled with poverty, despair, abuse and addiction.  At the age of seven, a mother’s greatest fear happen to our household. My sixteen year old bother, Sammy, was killed during an argument with his friend. Sammy was shot and killed by a fifteen year old classmate and he died before help could get to him.

Our home went from broken to shatter beyond repair, and so was my mother’s soul. Shortly after I went to live with my father full time and my mother story took a darker, sadder and heart breaking spiral downhill. Ultimately, two weeks following my tenth birthday, we received a call that no family ever want to receive. We were notified that my mother’s body was found on the side of a country road in Genesee County. How, why and who might have been with her leading up to her death is still unknown, 17 years later.

My heart felt ripped from inside of me. Thinking back on that day even now, I can remember the feeling so vividly, yet it still so indescribable. We know some facts leading up to her death and one that I do know that my mother boyfriend had on multiple occasions described to my mother how he would kill her. I know that my mother suffer greatly at the hands of the person she was dating prior to her death. And I believe whole heartily that while he might have not killed her, the abuse she suffered was a huge part of the path that lead to her death.

So why do I wear purple in October? I do so in memory of my mother who never left, I do so in celebration of my legal guardian who did leave her abuse husband, and I do so for the next generation in my family who I hope never suffer this type of abuse.

I believe everyone is created in God’s imagine and we are meant to be cherish and loved. Also that we are meant to live happy and holy lives. No child desires to wonder like I did, why mommy was so sad or why she was hurt. No family should ever get phone calls like mine had to receive.

My mother isn’t here to tell her story, and I wish her story had a happy ended, but because she didn’t. I promised her that my story would, that I would honor her with my relationships and how I lived my life. But more importantly that I would tell her story, our family’s story in hopes that it would effect and change other’s lives.

And that is why I wear purple. 

What Am I Doing???

Hey Everyone

Many people have been asking about my amazing results I have been getting and what work out plan I am doing. While you ask and I answer!

I keep saying how amazed I have been with my results and I am being totally honest. I didn't really think I was going to see results or love this work out as much as I have. If you have questions please contact me. I am just so over joyed with having arm muscles and feeling fitter, more powerful and in control of my results. Here are the top ten questions people ask about Combat from Beachbody with my extra notes :).

10 Frequently Asked Questions About LES MILLS COMBAT

1. What could LES MILLS COMBAT do for my body?

LES MILLS COMBAT is a full-body training program that combines highly effective calorie-burning moves and sequences from 6 different martial arts disciplines with High-Intensity Interval Training to specifically target your fast twitch muscle fibers, proven to have the greatest capacity for transformation. In short, it’s designed to help make you very fit. Expect a lean, chiseled look, not a bodybuilder physique. AND do you! I can't believer the change in my arms alone. I also have to say I love love love interval training I get such an amazing work out and really feel like I am using my time wisely. I am very busy so the lengths and power of the work outs is great

2. Will I lose muscle tone if I switch from a program like P90X® or LES MILLS PUMP to LES MILLS COMBAT?

Not at all. In fact, you will maintain your results and continue to build lean muscle mass. That said, the workouts are not as focused on heavy weight training as either P90X or LES MILLS PUMP, and you don't focus on hypertrophy (muscle growth) as much as you would in P90X. In truth I haven't done P90X so can say personally anything on this point

3. If I have bad knees or ankles, will I be able to do LES MILLS COMBAT?

We always recommend that you check with your doctor first. Whether or not you are able to do these workouts depends on your situation and how injured you are. LES MILLS COMBAT is high-intensity training. There is always a modification option that makes it easier and less impactful, but you still need good coordination and movement abilities. If your doctor clears you to do martial arts, then you can do LES MILLS COMBAT. If not, we recommend you choose a lower-impact program. Some of you know that I have a funny hip issues (deals just with how my body grow and there isn't much that can be done for it.) However I haven't had any pain from this workout in that area...but you know your body then anyone else

4. What kind of music is featured in the program?

LES MILLS COMBAT's dynamic martial arts sequences, moves, and combinations were carefully choreographed to some of today's most popular music, as well as old-school rap, disco dance beats, and classic tunes. From "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race" to "You Can't Touch This" to "YMCA," all of our scores were chosen for their ability to inspire, energize, and fuel your workouts—and they've all been amped up a notch to give you that extra adrenaline "kick" as you power your way through LES MILLS COMBAT's high-octane workouts. The MUSIC IS AWESOME!!!!!! I love love love music in work outs and it helps to motivate me and keep me going...I actually got a ton of the music and listen to it all the time now

5. What is the difference between LES MILLS COMBAT and LES MILLS PUMP?

The LES MILLS PUMP workout features light weights lifted for high reps, to help you achieve lean muscles and a toned look. LES MILLS COMBAT is a high-intensity and explosive aerobic endurance program designed to scorch calories, shred fat, and help you get that chiseled, fit body. I haven't done PUMP however through this program I have really fallen in love with how Les Mills does programs and would love to try it

6. I'm not very coordinated. Will I be able to do LES MILLS COMBAT?

Yes! In fact, doing LES MILLS COMBAT will help you become more coordinated. "The Basics" workout will teach you the techniques and various "guards" and "stances" that will be the foundation of later moves. Just go at your own pace. If you get lost, there's no harm in hitting the "pause" button, rewinding, and trying the movement again. I am a dancer by training so this one is hard for me to compare. I would say its easy to pick up and the basics dvd helps out alot

7. How much equipment do I need for LES MILLS COMBAT?

You will need your own dumbbells, within a certain weight range, for the POWER HIIT 1 workout and the Ultimate Warrior Kit's WARRIOR 1: UPPER BODY BLOW OUT to advance your fitness level and get serious definition! Dumbbells are optional for the SHOCK PLYO HIIT 2 workout and the Ultimate Warrior Kit's CORE ATTACK. You may also find that wearing the LES MILLS COMBAT Training Gloves when you're working out will amp up your intensity and help you deliver more accurate punches. Get the Gloves for sure and I keep having to move up weights its awesome! 

8. How long is the LES MILLS COMBAT program? How many workouts are there?

LES MILLS COMBAT is a 60-day workout program, and you can follow one of three calendars: the introductory Combat Warrior Calendar, the more intense Supreme Warrior Calendar, or the extreme Ultimate Warrior Calendar. The Combat Warrior and Supreme Warrior Calendars are built from the 7 workouts (30 to 60 minutes each) in the LES MILLS COMBAT Kit. The Ultimate Warrior Calendar uses these and integrates the additional workouts available in the Ultimate Warrior Kit. I am currently doing the Combat Warrior but plan on moving onto the Ultimate right before the pageant....It is easy to schedule into my day. You need to make your fitness a priority, its taking care of what you leave in...you need to take care of it.

9. I've been doing BODYCOMBAT® at my gym. Is LES MILLS COMBAT similar?

Yes. LES MILLS COMBAT is the at-home version of BODYCOMBAT, taught by LES MILLS COMBAT–certified trainers Dan Cohen and Rachael Newsham. I love Rach and Dan and they know their stuff for sure, I am going to start going to BODYCOMBAT also I love the program that much

10. Can I do a hybrid of this and LES MILLS PUMP?

Absolutely. You can incorporate a LES MILLS COMBAT workout into your LES MILLS PUMP routine by using one of the LES MILLS COMBAT workouts on your recommended "Walk" day in the LES MILLS PUMP workout calendar. However, it is not recommended that you supplement your LES MILLS COMBAT workouts with those from LES MILLS PUMP. Again I haven't done PUMP but will be adding it in soon so I will keep you up to date

If anyone wants to know more about being part of a Beach Body Challenge group please let me know. I highly recommend them because they help to keep to motivated and accountable. A new one will be starting with me on May 5th and I can send you all the details. Also for more on Beachbody check out my site here. 

Tune in next week as I review some of the newest supplements I have added into my life!

Suffering

Here is the last part of my 3 part blog looking at different values I have come to find important in my life, Happy Lent Everyone. Join me next week as I start looking at my newest workout program, trying to make time for myself. Also be prepared for some big stuff coming next month as I start looking towards my 27 birthday!!!!!

For me my understanding of suffering is closely tied to of our Lord’s embrace of suffering and death to redeem us from our sins. As God the Son, Jesus could have chosen any way to redeem us. So the fact that he chose to redeem us through his suffering and death necessarily gives meaning to every human beings experience with suffering and to my own also. Because we are joined to Christ, our suffering is joined with his, and participates in the redemption He accomplished. One way I have describe this idea to teens is that at times in our lives things breakdown however we wouldn’t have breakthrough in our personal life if those breakdowns didn’t happen. Because Christ would not have been able to give us Easter Sunday without first going through Good Friday.

Understanding this has helped me be able to offer up my suffering and embrace it as part of my human journey. We offer up our lives and our sufferings formally, in the Mass, by consciously offering ourselves up with our sufferings, along with Christ to God the Father during the offertory. Informally, we “offer it up” simply by asking God, in the midst of our suffering, to join our suffering to Christ’s, and to use our suffering. For me this is a helpful way to move through suffering as I wait on redemption. The relation between our present life and the life to come is the condition for the meaningfulness of our sufferings in this present life. The gospel shows us that suffering is an opportunity given to us to participate in our future blessedness by offering our present sufferings, in union with Christ’s sufferings, to God in self-giving sacrifice.

Suffering is part of the human condition however it is how we react to it that truly effects are perception of the suffering and how we get through it. Throughout my life I have not always chosen the most positive reactions to suffering however my reaction to suffering as changed as I have grown in my own understanding of how I am made in the image and likeness of God and how I have come to a deeper understanding of my own personal freedom. It is the integration and understanding of how God is acting in our lives that helps us come to a deeper meaning and understanding of faith. For me answering and understanding these parts of myself has been a part of my journey to come to deeper understanding of the movement of God within my life.

Freedom

Welcome to part two of my reflection on values that I hold. Hope that its making you think and come to some deeper understandings. 
While we are made I the image and likeness of God we also have human freedom to choice and make our own choices. It is part of what sets us apart from other creatures; as humans we are the ability to look at situations and problems internally. When I am dealing with an issues or a choice I have to make, I can use reason that is within me to make this decision. While animals’ base all choices in survival. They do not deliberate and then decide to turn away. By contrast, we are able to formulate the thought: I don’t want to be the kind of person who does such-and-such. We can be motivated by such thoughts. We not only make choices; we evaluate our choices regardless of whether our evaluations are themselves caused by forces behind our control or not.

This is something that we grow into as we get older, for me this was something that I have grown into over the past ten years. Once I moved away from home and started to be able to make all my own choices, I had grown into a lot more human freedom, however had to grow more into questions and looking at decisions, using reasoning that is also part of the human freedom took longer to develop and happened after making bad decisions that didn’t reflect the person I wanted to be.  Human freedom is the unique ability, to reflect on and evaluate our desires and to choose one course of action over another, at this part of human freedom is the one where we need to make sure we are connected and reflecting.

From this point being spiritually free means to allow the movement of the Spirit to work through my freedom to help guide me and help me see what path I am meant to take in my human journey. In our lives there are always a number of areas we want to stay in control off. However for me I can note a number where my control of the situation isn’t coming from a place of following what I know is true, it comes from a place of fear to let go.

Human freedom is an ability. It is the unique ability, made possible by reflecting on and evaluate our desires and to choose one course of action over another. Only once I was able to accept this, I was then ability connect this to being morally responsible for what I take part in. This is where being connected to our spiritual freedom is so important to me. I very involved in social justice and it comes from this place of realizing that my freedom gives me also the ability to see and help those in need and work on creating more justice systems around us. This for me is the importance of moral responsibility and spiritual freedom, in our lives as moral beings, in our social practices including what we do daily and what we ignore.

With freedom however also come the chance to make mistakes, which I have done throughout my life. Because we make our own choices we can choice to move in a bad direction and at times we fall and we suffer. While not all suffering is our own doing, how we react and look at suffering is also effected by our faith. Christian believes that no suffering is ultimately meaningless or pointless. God always has a good purpose in allowing suffering, even when that purpose is inscrutable to us. We always have a choice in our suffering, whether to trust God as our loving Father, and receive the good gift that He is giving us, or to rail against God in distrust and anger.

For me I have seen both sides of this, there were many times especially after the death of my mother that I was so anger with God I couldn’t see how anything good could coming into being through my suffering. I also couldn’t see where God was in what was happening. However after the suffering was over, I was able to come to a deeper understanding of where God was even in my darkest moments.