This is a question we are asked as we grow up, more and more
you need to have a plan in life and an idea of where you are going. I don’t know
if I really ever had that plan. Truthfully, while I did spend time figure out what
I thought I wanted to do in high school, life found a way the pull me in a lot
of different directions.
I always knew one thing for sure, I never wanted to be my
parents. I know that sounds harsh, and please don’t take it as that I don’t
love my parents. But I am also very realistic about the type of people that
are/were. I have touched on it before by my mother passed away when I was 10
years old and had problems with drugs and alcohol and all that goes along with
it. My dad, is really another blog for another day, but let’s just says it wasn’t
easy growing up.
I am proud of all I have been able to do in myself even with
everything that happened. I went to college and got a Master’s Degree something
no one else in my direct family ever did. I have aunts and cousins who also
have their Master’s. Work full time managing a retail store while holding now a
full schedule of classes during part of that time. When I wasn’t doing that, I
did some major hustling to make sure my bill were paid, working lots of
different part time jobs and doing side work when needed.
I don’t have a problem with hard work by any means and think
I have a really good work ethic. However more and more I feel like my life
doesn’t have direction. I work hard and try my best at my positions. God has
blessed me with people in my life that love me and accept me; however I wake up
some days not sure where I am really going and if I have totally gone done the
wrong path.
I ended up in Rochester totally by need.
About five years ago, I was sharing an apartment in Batavia
with a roommate and things went south. I couldn’t afford the apartment on my
own and was left with a couple options, move home, find another place to live
or move in with my boyfriend of 6 months who I spent half my week with anyways.
Moving home was not an option I would even entertain for a number of reasons,
so I went with the easiest and fastest solution-move in with the boyfriend.
At the time I really did love (as much as you can at that
point in a relationship) and deeply care for him and while it was way sooner than
I have every hope for, I thought it was for the best. Rochester become a second
home for me. Thanks to his circle of friends and my later job at Saint Kateri
Parish, where I was able to form community. Then, like many stories, things
went south with the boyfriend (at time fiancé). I can’t pin point totally a
moment when it happened but slowly and surely I found myself unhappy in the
relationship. I turned to food, drinking and taking many trips away to get away
what was happening hoping something would make it all better, but nothing
helped. Finally it all came to a head and the break up happened, for the first
time I was going to have to figure out a plan for my life. I am lucky to have a
strong sense of survival in me and I went full on into protection mood. I found
a studio apartment to live in (cheap, available and fit my price range) and
kept pushing ahead.
Then about six months after the move I had to deal with it
all, to say I felt like a failure would be an understatement. I had in 3 years
time gone from living in a 2 bedroom apartment that I have fully outfitted, to
a one bedroom apartment but in the nicest area of Rochester, to finally a
studio apartment, with a lot of hand me downs and in not the best area of
Rochester. Here I was, a Master’s Degree hanging on the wall but totally alone,
and not sure where to go.
I have to say however that over the last 3 years I have done
a lot of work on myself. I found new passions, creating my circle of friends
and loved ones and proved to myself no matter what I would be ok. However not I
can’t keep living in survive mood anymore. I am stuck and I don’t know how to
start moving upward again. Truthfully it’s time to really look at what I want
from my life. I am not a kid anymore; I am getting closer to my 30s and its
time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
Just when I thought I had learned everything I needed to, it’s
time to learn more
