I had many reasons why I started this blog, one of them being to talk about issues and trials I am going through and see if any of the knowledge I have gained can help you. Everyone says how important your twenties are to your development and personal growth; however I thought I had already learned a large majority of those lessons already, leaving the rest of my twenties to an easy glide to true adulthood. However I was completely fooling myself to think this. In reality what I have learned over a little over the past month is that I am no where's near full adulthood or learning all the lessons I need to or have to learn.
I have spoken time to time about my mother's death and the effect it had on me growing up however up until recently if you would have ask me how I was dealing with it, I would have said that after 14 years I had finish morning her lose and have a deep love and remember joyful and often. If you would asked me how I felt about her death not being solve. I would have said that I knew she was at peace and that was enough for me. And while that still true, I never thought about how I would feel to know more, until recently. Lately I have had to deal with the possibility of really knowing everything and as much as I thought I had dealt with it all fully, I have found that I have more of a bandage coving everything up.
When I was young I was really interested in the Salem Witch Trials, there was one man who’s story is told so much and I have always remember. This man refused to admit he was a witch, to try to get him to confess, they stacked boulders on top of him, adding more and more weight. This was in the hopes that the pain would bring a confession and with it giving up his land. The man never changes is plea and ultimately died due to the amount of weight that was put on him.
As odd of a story this may seem, it really speaks to a lesson I have avoided learning for a long time, when things are bad adding more stuff to it will not make it better. I could spend a lot of time talking about all the different things going on right now but let’s just say that there is a lot of weight on me currently.
Having to admit this has been hard because I have always been someone to add to my plate and to take on weight from other people. I have always been the fixer, support and problem solver. I have taken great proud in being the do everything person, and if anything I am struggling with the reality that I can’t always be that person nor can I truly always do it all.
Normally my way of dealing with things is to add more because in my mind when you’re busy you don’t have to think about everything else. The problem with this is when you are already juggling so much either adding something new or having something come completely out of left field that does not fit into the rhythm of everything else causes everything to fall apart, and by everything in this case I mean me.
This is something that sadly has happen to me more than once; yes I am very sad to say that I am currently relieving a lesson I was supposes to learn a number of times before. The problem is as when before it was easier to manage the mistakes and problems that completely falling apart cause. There are things now that can’t fall apart and when they do affect so many people. I guess I should have learned this lesson earlier because now I am trying to manage things that are so much greater than anything before.
I hope only to be able to learn the lesson right now and not have to go through this again. Now it’s only figuring out what is the next current step. There are times like everyone I wish I could just run away; I am completely a flight person. I would rather flee then fight anytime. However that has you get older becomes less and less of an option. Now it’s time to figure it all out, but I guess that what your twenties are always about.
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