Even as I am writing this I am struggling with the whole idea of this. Honesty is something that I have try to keep at the forefront of this blog. However sometimes we go through things that are hard to share with anyone even ourselves. I am a huge fan of Celebrate Rehab, in part because it gives me away to come to terms with my own mother’s addiction. One of the biggest issues I had growing up was feeling like I was the only person in the world going through what I was going through.

My mother’s disease affected me deeply, as addiction does affect the entire family unit that tries to survive around it. My family was no different and my roller coaster with dealing with my mother’s addiction was no different. It’s a hard balance to strike recognizing the addiction and its power and control and also knowing how much my mother loved me.

However, like anyone I have my own issues. While dealing and coming to terms with everything else was going on I went through a very horrible awkward phase during school. It was hard to make friends for me because I was very shy and would withdraw easily. Dealing with my learning disability only added to all the problems. As if I didn’t feel like enough of a freak, I could hardly spell anything and reading out loud horrified me because I would come to a number of words I didn’t know.

The one place I wasn’t like this was in music, art and theater. When I was doing something involving one of these areas, I just came alive. It’s amazing how great it can feel to get to be another person for a little period. To get lost in the music or getting lost in what you are working on. I have always used dissociation, sometimes in a proactive positive way. I would go to dance and get lost in the music or be in a play and just lost myself in becoming someone else.

However there are times when this has been a not proactive way, it isn’t something that I have complete control over, nor is it really when not proactive is a positive way of dealing with issues. There are times that I completely shut down and that I am complete separated from my body. It’s scary and worries me a lot. We are having problems and as we try to grow in our twenties you have to deal with these negative ways of dealing with things, because as you get older your problems become greater and harder to deal with. Sometimes the ways you use to deal with things don’t work anymore.

With a lot of this being at the front of my thinking lately, I have been trying to come up with new ways to motivate myself and also get myself in a better place. Being busy has always been important to me however lately being busy as caused me to be exhausted and unable to focus. I love having a million things going on however it’s impossible to do everything when you are being pulled in every direction and you are just trying to play caught up.

So once again I start a new journey in my life trying to find that balance and the happiest life I can. With this new chapter I thought this song was slightly fitting

Mother's Gift

I have been thinking about mothers a lot lately. There are a number of reasons for this in part but not limited to their being new information on my own Mother’s case, a number of my friends and family members having babies or starting to prepare to have babies. Mothers are so important in our development and looking back I am so grateful for my mother.

She wasn’t perfect but no person is, however she taught me so many important lessons. And if there was one above all that I would have to say is the most important is how deep her love for me was. No matter what I know my mother loves me from the top of her head to the tip of her toe.

As I have gotten older I have always worried if I would be a good mom. Would I have the instincts and know what to do. I guess everyone person wonders about this. There isn’t a reset button to being a parent or in how you raise your children. And I of all people know that your children are the legacy you leave behind far after you are gone.

This past weekend, while I didn’t become a parent I took on another different responsibility, I became a godmother….and sorry fans of the Godfather movies, us women are to be feared far more any man. With how busy my schedule as been since school ended I was very grateful to be able to make some time over the weekend to spend with Malena, Sophia and their Mommy my amazing cousin Marie. And if that wasn’t enough reason to get excited I also got to see Dylan, Olivia and my equally amazing cousin Jennifer. Of course my whole weekend couldn’t be cleared but I got to spent with them between Relay for Life and East End Festival.

Sunday was the very big important day! I must say Malena was an amazing sport with the baptism. Imagine being a little baby and having a whole bunch of people look at your while some men you don’t know that while puts stuff on your head and pours water on it....I might have been a little scared. However she did amazing and I so proud of her, I was even prouder later in the day when I was able to hold her for a long time without her crying.

As much as I still worry about if I will be a good mommy, I also can ask for a better group of role models to have around me and to call on with question. I was already able to master the bounce and rock with a little help from Marie and Jennifer. Being a mom is the most important job I think I will ever have in my life, right after being the best godmother and cousin of course.

At Olivia and Dylan's First Baseball game

Godparents

Girls just want to have fun...and cupcakes

Defying Gravity

Wicked is one of my all time favorite musicals. It’s truly of the total package of a show; it has an amazing story, great music and one of the best stage presentations I have ever seen. I love so much of the music and it talks about the need for purpose and finding your way and meaning in life. I think that is such an amazing theme and as a twenty something, it’s the whole purpose of this part of my life. Trying to figure out what I am meant to do and where that will lead me.

Of these the fear of doing what your truly meant to do can be the thing that scares you off and makes it so hard to reach your full potential. So in theme with this idea I thought I would post one of my favorite songs for that show:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down

The family is a haven in a heartless world

After last post I felt I needed to lighten everything up a bit. While there is a ton more I can write about what is going on, there is one new tool I have started to use. Every day I come up with one thing I am grateful for that day. With so much negativity and hard things going on, I find it increasingly important to come up with things that I am grateful for.

One thing I am truly always grateful for is my family. Even with us being spread across the whole country (really from LA to New Jersey and from New York, through Arkansas down to Miami), I don’t think I could have ever made it without my family.

Thinking about this made me realize I haven’t told you all about my amazing trip to New Jersey at the start of the month! I was able to go to New Jersey to spend the weekend with the Ko Family. However this wasn’t just any normal weekend, it was also Olivia’s dance recital. I got in Friday night and was greeted by Dylan and Olivia waiting to attach themselves to my legs. The weekend was so much fun, I got to see Olivia play soccer and spend time with Dylan. I also got to see Princeton Campus, after being in the area 2 times before and never really seeing anything but conference rooms. I also got to do Olivia and her friend Sophia’s hair and makeup for the recital.

Check out some of the picture from the weekend :)

Finally I just wanted to share a couple insights from a weekly email I received today. This week Nancy was finishing up a article about things she has learned from Oprah, while I loved them all I had to share two of them with you. Here is a little information about Nancy: Nancy Roberts, behavioral analyst and co-creator of the "Boost Your Business by Overcoming Sales Call Reluctance" workshop, publishes the award-winning 'Success iNsights' weekly ezine with thousands of subscribers. If you're ready to jump-start your business and make more money, sign up for your FREE subscription at http://www.insightspps.com.

7) Along with fear, challenges/obstacles always come up as you move to the next level.

I think sometimes we have the illusion that rich, successful people don't have as many problems as we normal folk do. But when Oprah had to deal with the Meat Industry's lawsuit or sexual abuse allegations at her Girls School in South Africa, I'd say she was dealing with some pretty big problems. The difference is in the level person you are. If you're a level 3 person and you have a level 5 problem - you've got a BIG problem. But if you're a level 9 person and you have a level 5 problem - you've got a small problem. So the work isn't in playing small so to try and minimize or avoid problems, the work is in developing yourself.

8) It isn't about the money; it's about making a difference. When Oprah's show was going down the same road as Jerry Springer and Maury Povich, Oprah made a decision to no longer do sensational, negative story lines. She wanted to provide information and inspiration, and to have a positive influence on others. And what do you know, she also became one of the Richest Woman in the World. You will never hear Oprah say money isn't important but you will hear her say it's not the most important. Finding your true purpose and pursuing it with passion is the key. And what do you know, the money might just come.

When Life Gets The Much Harder

I had many reasons why I started this blog, one of them being to talk about issues and trials I am going through and see if any of the knowledge I have gained can help you. Everyone says how important your twenties are to your development and personal growth; however I thought I had already learned a large majority of those lessons already, leaving the rest of my twenties to an easy glide to true adulthood. However I was completely fooling myself to think this. In reality what I have learned over a little over the past month is that I am no where's near full adulthood or learning all the lessons I need to or have to learn.

I have spoken time to time about my mother's death and the effect it had on me growing up however up until recently if you would have ask me how I was dealing with it, I would have said that after 14 years I had finish morning her lose and have a deep love and remember joyful and often. If you would asked me how I felt about her death not being solve. I would have said that I knew she was at peace and that was enough for me. And while that still true, I never thought about how I would feel to know more, until recently. Lately I have had to deal with the possibility of really knowing everything and as much as I thought I had dealt with it all fully, I have found that I have more of a bandage coving everything up.

When I was young I was really interested in the Salem Witch Trials, there was one man who’s story is told so much and I have always remember. This man refused to admit he was a witch, to try to get him to confess, they stacked boulders on top of him, adding more and more weight. This was in the hopes that the pain would bring a confession and with it giving up his land. The man never changes is plea and ultimately died due to the amount of weight that was put on him.

As odd of a story this may seem, it really speaks to a lesson I have avoided learning for a long time, when things are bad adding more stuff to it will not make it better. I could spend a lot of time talking about all the different things going on right now but let’s just say that there is a lot of weight on me currently.

Having to admit this has been hard because I have always been someone to add to my plate and to take on weight from other people. I have always been the fixer, support and problem solver. I have taken great proud in being the do everything person, and if anything I am struggling with the reality that I can’t always be that person nor can I truly always do it all.

Normally my way of dealing with things is to add more because in my mind when you’re busy you don’t have to think about everything else. The problem with this is when you are already juggling so much either adding something new or having something come completely out of left field that does not fit into the rhythm of everything else causes everything to fall apart, and by everything in this case I mean me.

This is something that sadly has happen to me more than once; yes I am very sad to say that I am currently relieving a lesson I was supposes to learn a number of times before. The problem is as when before it was easier to manage the mistakes and problems that completely falling apart cause. There are things now that can’t fall apart and when they do affect so many people. I guess I should have learned this lesson earlier because now I am trying to manage things that are so much greater than anything before.

I hope only to be able to learn the lesson right now and not have to go through this again. Now it’s only figuring out what is the next current step. There are times like everyone I wish I could just run away; I am completely a flight person. I would rather flee then fight anytime. However that has you get older becomes less and less of an option. Now it’s time to figure it all out, but I guess that what your twenties are always about.