Failure

While it’s been a long time! Like most people life has seemed to get away from me. After competing in a pageant in October, I felt this odd sense of completion. I am not sure if you every experienced it but it was truly like I had closed a door and my life was ready to move on.

Move on to what was the really big question! I connected to train at CrossFit Fruition, as I did find a home away from home with this Box. Those are words I never thought I would be saying. Never had I thought I would find joy from lifting weights, running and doing box jumps. I however found a complete sense of belonging and satisfaction from my daily workouts.

I made the decision to ramp up my workouts and see how much and fast I would really be able to do, competition is just part of who I am and it seem like a natural fit to train and hopefully compete in something I really enjoyed doing. So here we are in my first CrossFit Open season.

Am I most likely going to do horrible….yea! My skills still need to be developed a lot but at least this way I will know what and how much work I need to put in. However even with this understanding…it doesn’t mean feelings of failure don’t creep up.

Failure is an issue I dealt with a lot, if I look at my life I can see a lot of failures….or I can see a lot of things I learned from. At some days I do see them like that, lessons I learned however sometimes it’s hard to see the glass half full and I don sink into feelings of being less then (fill in the blank).

So what am I trying to get at? 

While during those times when I feeling like a failure there are a couple of things I like to remember:

• Do not believe too strongly in appearances. I don’t believe I am alone at looking at my worst parts against someone’s best. I try to remind myself not to and at times it’s hard.
• It helps to have honest conversations with others. Whatever is your area of struggle find someone else who is working in it because you then become less isolated.
• There is no road map. This is true for life, of course, however I have found that when you start to plan the map will start to evolve.

I hope those help, look for me to start posting more! Next week I will catch you up on the pageant world.....even though I am done competing I have some exciting things still going on :) 

We Wear Purple of Fridays

During the month of October, we raise awareness of two major issues that affect women. Growing up I never understood how someone as beautiful as my mother would allow herself to be treated, verbal and physically abused by her partners. I remember her coming for visits with me with longs sleeves and heavy foundation to cover the bruises. However I know more than those physically marks it was the belittling and verbal assaults that left her feeling worthless and sadly desiring of the physical abuse.

I didn't completed understand how someone who brought so much love and joy into my life wouldn’t feel the same and I also couldn’t understand how anyone could ever want to hurt my mother. It took me years to understand what lead my mother to a place where she felt that if someone didn’t hit her, they didn’t love her. And while I will never completely be able to understand, I at least could see how my mother ended up there.

To me, my mother was vibrate, loving and in many ways childlike. She had a deep need to feel loved and accepted, and unfortunately those needs were preyed upon and created a horrible situation for my mother and for me at time also. I lived off and on with my mother till the age of seven. To go into detail about life back then seems unnecessary for this blog. To get a slight picture let’s just say life was filled with poverty, despair, abuse and addiction.  At the age of seven, a mother’s greatest fear happen to our household. My sixteen year old bother, Sammy, was killed during an argument with his friend. Sammy was shot and killed by a fifteen year old classmate and he died before help could get to him.

Our home went from broken to shatter beyond repair, and so was my mother’s soul. Shortly after I went to live with my father full time and my mother story took a darker, sadder and heart breaking spiral downhill. Ultimately, two weeks following my tenth birthday, we received a call that no family ever want to receive. We were notified that my mother’s body was found on the side of a country road in Genesee County. How, why and who might have been with her leading up to her death is still unknown, 17 years later.

My heart felt ripped from inside of me. Thinking back on that day even now, I can remember the feeling so vividly, yet it still so indescribable. We know some facts leading up to her death and one that I do know that my mother boyfriend had on multiple occasions described to my mother how he would kill her. I know that my mother suffer greatly at the hands of the person she was dating prior to her death. And I believe whole heartily that while he might have not killed her, the abuse she suffered was a huge part of the path that lead to her death.

So why do I wear purple in October? I do so in memory of my mother who never left, I do so in celebration of my legal guardian who did leave her abuse husband, and I do so for the next generation in my family who I hope never suffer this type of abuse.

I believe everyone is created in God’s imagine and we are meant to be cherish and loved. Also that we are meant to live happy and holy lives. No child desires to wonder like I did, why mommy was so sad or why she was hurt. No family should ever get phone calls like mine had to receive.

My mother isn’t here to tell her story, and I wish her story had a happy ended, but because she didn’t. I promised her that my story would, that I would honor her with my relationships and how I lived my life. But more importantly that I would tell her story, our family’s story in hopes that it would effect and change other’s lives.

And that is why I wear purple. 

What Am I Doing???

Hey Everyone

Many people have been asking about my amazing results I have been getting and what work out plan I am doing. While you ask and I answer!

I keep saying how amazed I have been with my results and I am being totally honest. I didn't really think I was going to see results or love this work out as much as I have. If you have questions please contact me. I am just so over joyed with having arm muscles and feeling fitter, more powerful and in control of my results. Here are the top ten questions people ask about Combat from Beachbody with my extra notes :).

10 Frequently Asked Questions About LES MILLS COMBAT

1. What could LES MILLS COMBAT do for my body?

LES MILLS COMBAT is a full-body training program that combines highly effective calorie-burning moves and sequences from 6 different martial arts disciplines with High-Intensity Interval Training to specifically target your fast twitch muscle fibers, proven to have the greatest capacity for transformation. In short, it’s designed to help make you very fit. Expect a lean, chiseled look, not a bodybuilder physique. AND do you! I can't believer the change in my arms alone. I also have to say I love love love interval training I get such an amazing work out and really feel like I am using my time wisely. I am very busy so the lengths and power of the work outs is great

2. Will I lose muscle tone if I switch from a program like P90X® or LES MILLS PUMP to LES MILLS COMBAT?

Not at all. In fact, you will maintain your results and continue to build lean muscle mass. That said, the workouts are not as focused on heavy weight training as either P90X or LES MILLS PUMP, and you don't focus on hypertrophy (muscle growth) as much as you would in P90X. In truth I haven't done P90X so can say personally anything on this point

3. If I have bad knees or ankles, will I be able to do LES MILLS COMBAT?

We always recommend that you check with your doctor first. Whether or not you are able to do these workouts depends on your situation and how injured you are. LES MILLS COMBAT is high-intensity training. There is always a modification option that makes it easier and less impactful, but you still need good coordination and movement abilities. If your doctor clears you to do martial arts, then you can do LES MILLS COMBAT. If not, we recommend you choose a lower-impact program. Some of you know that I have a funny hip issues (deals just with how my body grow and there isn't much that can be done for it.) However I haven't had any pain from this workout in that area...but you know your body then anyone else

4. What kind of music is featured in the program?

LES MILLS COMBAT's dynamic martial arts sequences, moves, and combinations were carefully choreographed to some of today's most popular music, as well as old-school rap, disco dance beats, and classic tunes. From "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race" to "You Can't Touch This" to "YMCA," all of our scores were chosen for their ability to inspire, energize, and fuel your workouts—and they've all been amped up a notch to give you that extra adrenaline "kick" as you power your way through LES MILLS COMBAT's high-octane workouts. The MUSIC IS AWESOME!!!!!! I love love love music in work outs and it helps to motivate me and keep me going...I actually got a ton of the music and listen to it all the time now

5. What is the difference between LES MILLS COMBAT and LES MILLS PUMP?

The LES MILLS PUMP workout features light weights lifted for high reps, to help you achieve lean muscles and a toned look. LES MILLS COMBAT is a high-intensity and explosive aerobic endurance program designed to scorch calories, shred fat, and help you get that chiseled, fit body. I haven't done PUMP however through this program I have really fallen in love with how Les Mills does programs and would love to try it

6. I'm not very coordinated. Will I be able to do LES MILLS COMBAT?

Yes! In fact, doing LES MILLS COMBAT will help you become more coordinated. "The Basics" workout will teach you the techniques and various "guards" and "stances" that will be the foundation of later moves. Just go at your own pace. If you get lost, there's no harm in hitting the "pause" button, rewinding, and trying the movement again. I am a dancer by training so this one is hard for me to compare. I would say its easy to pick up and the basics dvd helps out alot

7. How much equipment do I need for LES MILLS COMBAT?

You will need your own dumbbells, within a certain weight range, for the POWER HIIT 1 workout and the Ultimate Warrior Kit's WARRIOR 1: UPPER BODY BLOW OUT to advance your fitness level and get serious definition! Dumbbells are optional for the SHOCK PLYO HIIT 2 workout and the Ultimate Warrior Kit's CORE ATTACK. You may also find that wearing the LES MILLS COMBAT Training Gloves when you're working out will amp up your intensity and help you deliver more accurate punches. Get the Gloves for sure and I keep having to move up weights its awesome! 

8. How long is the LES MILLS COMBAT program? How many workouts are there?

LES MILLS COMBAT is a 60-day workout program, and you can follow one of three calendars: the introductory Combat Warrior Calendar, the more intense Supreme Warrior Calendar, or the extreme Ultimate Warrior Calendar. The Combat Warrior and Supreme Warrior Calendars are built from the 7 workouts (30 to 60 minutes each) in the LES MILLS COMBAT Kit. The Ultimate Warrior Calendar uses these and integrates the additional workouts available in the Ultimate Warrior Kit. I am currently doing the Combat Warrior but plan on moving onto the Ultimate right before the pageant....It is easy to schedule into my day. You need to make your fitness a priority, its taking care of what you leave in...you need to take care of it.

9. I've been doing BODYCOMBAT® at my gym. Is LES MILLS COMBAT similar?

Yes. LES MILLS COMBAT is the at-home version of BODYCOMBAT, taught by LES MILLS COMBAT–certified trainers Dan Cohen and Rachael Newsham. I love Rach and Dan and they know their stuff for sure, I am going to start going to BODYCOMBAT also I love the program that much

10. Can I do a hybrid of this and LES MILLS PUMP?

Absolutely. You can incorporate a LES MILLS COMBAT workout into your LES MILLS PUMP routine by using one of the LES MILLS COMBAT workouts on your recommended "Walk" day in the LES MILLS PUMP workout calendar. However, it is not recommended that you supplement your LES MILLS COMBAT workouts with those from LES MILLS PUMP. Again I haven't done PUMP but will be adding it in soon so I will keep you up to date

If anyone wants to know more about being part of a Beach Body Challenge group please let me know. I highly recommend them because they help to keep to motivated and accountable. A new one will be starting with me on May 5th and I can send you all the details. Also for more on Beachbody check out my site here. 

Tune in next week as I review some of the newest supplements I have added into my life!

Suffering

Here is the last part of my 3 part blog looking at different values I have come to find important in my life, Happy Lent Everyone. Join me next week as I start looking at my newest workout program, trying to make time for myself. Also be prepared for some big stuff coming next month as I start looking towards my 27 birthday!!!!!

For me my understanding of suffering is closely tied to of our Lord’s embrace of suffering and death to redeem us from our sins. As God the Son, Jesus could have chosen any way to redeem us. So the fact that he chose to redeem us through his suffering and death necessarily gives meaning to every human beings experience with suffering and to my own also. Because we are joined to Christ, our suffering is joined with his, and participates in the redemption He accomplished. One way I have describe this idea to teens is that at times in our lives things breakdown however we wouldn’t have breakthrough in our personal life if those breakdowns didn’t happen. Because Christ would not have been able to give us Easter Sunday without first going through Good Friday.

Understanding this has helped me be able to offer up my suffering and embrace it as part of my human journey. We offer up our lives and our sufferings formally, in the Mass, by consciously offering ourselves up with our sufferings, along with Christ to God the Father during the offertory. Informally, we “offer it up” simply by asking God, in the midst of our suffering, to join our suffering to Christ’s, and to use our suffering. For me this is a helpful way to move through suffering as I wait on redemption. The relation between our present life and the life to come is the condition for the meaningfulness of our sufferings in this present life. The gospel shows us that suffering is an opportunity given to us to participate in our future blessedness by offering our present sufferings, in union with Christ’s sufferings, to God in self-giving sacrifice.

Suffering is part of the human condition however it is how we react to it that truly effects are perception of the suffering and how we get through it. Throughout my life I have not always chosen the most positive reactions to suffering however my reaction to suffering as changed as I have grown in my own understanding of how I am made in the image and likeness of God and how I have come to a deeper understanding of my own personal freedom. It is the integration and understanding of how God is acting in our lives that helps us come to a deeper meaning and understanding of faith. For me answering and understanding these parts of myself has been a part of my journey to come to deeper understanding of the movement of God within my life.

Freedom

Welcome to part two of my reflection on values that I hold. Hope that its making you think and come to some deeper understandings. 
While we are made I the image and likeness of God we also have human freedom to choice and make our own choices. It is part of what sets us apart from other creatures; as humans we are the ability to look at situations and problems internally. When I am dealing with an issues or a choice I have to make, I can use reason that is within me to make this decision. While animals’ base all choices in survival. They do not deliberate and then decide to turn away. By contrast, we are able to formulate the thought: I don’t want to be the kind of person who does such-and-such. We can be motivated by such thoughts. We not only make choices; we evaluate our choices regardless of whether our evaluations are themselves caused by forces behind our control or not.

This is something that we grow into as we get older, for me this was something that I have grown into over the past ten years. Once I moved away from home and started to be able to make all my own choices, I had grown into a lot more human freedom, however had to grow more into questions and looking at decisions, using reasoning that is also part of the human freedom took longer to develop and happened after making bad decisions that didn’t reflect the person I wanted to be.  Human freedom is the unique ability, to reflect on and evaluate our desires and to choose one course of action over another, at this part of human freedom is the one where we need to make sure we are connected and reflecting.

From this point being spiritually free means to allow the movement of the Spirit to work through my freedom to help guide me and help me see what path I am meant to take in my human journey. In our lives there are always a number of areas we want to stay in control off. However for me I can note a number where my control of the situation isn’t coming from a place of following what I know is true, it comes from a place of fear to let go.

Human freedom is an ability. It is the unique ability, made possible by reflecting on and evaluate our desires and to choose one course of action over another. Only once I was able to accept this, I was then ability connect this to being morally responsible for what I take part in. This is where being connected to our spiritual freedom is so important to me. I very involved in social justice and it comes from this place of realizing that my freedom gives me also the ability to see and help those in need and work on creating more justice systems around us. This for me is the importance of moral responsibility and spiritual freedom, in our lives as moral beings, in our social practices including what we do daily and what we ignore.

With freedom however also come the chance to make mistakes, which I have done throughout my life. Because we make our own choices we can choice to move in a bad direction and at times we fall and we suffer. While not all suffering is our own doing, how we react and look at suffering is also effected by our faith. Christian believes that no suffering is ultimately meaningless or pointless. God always has a good purpose in allowing suffering, even when that purpose is inscrutable to us. We always have a choice in our suffering, whether to trust God as our loving Father, and receive the good gift that He is giving us, or to rail against God in distrust and anger.

For me I have seen both sides of this, there were many times especially after the death of my mother that I was so anger with God I couldn’t see how anything good could coming into being through my suffering. I also couldn’t see where God was in what was happening. However after the suffering was over, I was able to come to a deeper understanding of where God was even in my darkest moments.

Made in the Image and Likeness

Welcome to my 3 part blog on looking deeper at some of the values I hold. This came out of a paper I wrote for a class I am currently taking at St Bernard’s School of Theology and Ministry. Hope you find it inspiring and fulfilling. I thought it was great time since we are currently in Lent. 

All my life people have reminded me that I am "made in the image of God." It's a nice thought, and probably one that at times I used to try to remind myself of my own value as a human being. However at times it has been one that I have had a hard time accepting. In reality, "Made in the image of God" is an audacious claim and carries some responsibility with it. We all know we are not gods, and at times I can think that I felt very far from being even close to this claim. However while it is true that I am not God throughout my life I have come to see how I am godlike.

It very hard for us to ignore that fact that we are like God, when you look at Genesis it talks about how God created man and women in his image and likeness (126-27). So in many ways in being human we are meant to fully reflect God through everything we are and do, from our intelligence to the relationships. While this is a powerful statement it’s is one that I have had a hard time fully allowing myself to believe through my life.

So, what does it mean to be created in God's image to me now? I view it as that we each are almost a snapshot of God. I have found the more I embrace that God loves me and that he created me in his imagine I am more able to following my own path to  fulfillment and what God desires for me. I feel the greatest pleasure and wholeness when who God made me to be is fully developed and expressed.

But in what ways have I come to see how I am made in the image of God? I come back to how I see God in myself that If I could take a snapshot of God, what would we see and what would it reveal about humans created in God's image?

First way I found how I was in the imagine and likeness of God was through dancing. We know that God is creative, he created everything on earth and every one of us. As humans we make things. Artists make things with paint. Poets, writers, philosophers and lawyers make things with ideas and the compelling use of words. Every human has the capacity to make things, to create, because we are all made in the image of a creative God.

 So for me I came to see this through dancing. I danced from the time I was five through my undergraduate degree. I still dance to this day but not at the same level I once did. It was an outlet but also became a place I created. I can remember choreographing the “dream” part of the dance of the gym in West Side Story. In it I moved around the stage making Tony and Maria get closer to each other. It was creative but after a number of people told me how moving it was. Later I was able to choreograph a number of liturgical dances for youth masses that Diocese of Buffalo put on, I began to see how I could use my gift to glorify God but more and more realized that my ability to create was given to me by God.

How I communicate I believe is another way I see how God has created me in his likeness, because God communicates. The human ability to think and reason, to use language, symbols and art, far surpasses the abilities of any animals. This gift was bestowed when the communicative God's image was imprinted on us.

One of the clearest examples of this in my life I can remember is when I was a sophomore in college I worked on a program called Young Christians at Work. The program took place during Holy Week and because I went to a state university I didn’t have time off from classes, but really felt called to working on the program. I worked with my teachers and got all my work done before hand to go and have to really talk my boss at work into letting me go. At the time I was working full time and didn’t have vacation time to use, so I worked two twelve hours days before leaving for the program. I really thought I was just going because I loved and enjoyed the program as a teen and wanted to still help out. However once I started to work at the program I realized I was there for a greater purpose. That year there was a very quiet girl that year who really broke down during an activity and as I tried to calm her down, I realized she recently lost her cousin during the war and felt so alone. I shared with her about losing my brother and how I knew they were still watching out for us and there when we needed them. I was able to connect and communicate with her on a level that helped her start healing. Later that year I received a letter from her thanking me again, something as simple as communicating help someone more through a very difficult situation.

The last way I found that I am made in the image and likeness of God is in my relationships. The phrase, "Let us make man in our image" reveals an "us-ness" in the very nature of God. The very essence of God is relational, and that essential quality has been imprinted on humans. This capacity for a relationship with God extends to humans, which is why the Genesis story declares that God created Eve for Adam because "it is not good for man to be alone." I have come to a deeper understanding of how I am made in the image of God through my relationship with others. Many times they have been the ones to see God in me when I am not able to. During the hardest and darkest parts of my depression and eating disorder, I didn’t see at all how I was made in the image and likeness of God. However is was those I was in relationship with, my friends and family who saw amazing qualities in me that God had been given me, even when I couldn’t. It was through relationship that I was first able to again see God in my life and in myself. 

Hitting the hard part of transformation

When I started this great idea of personal growth and started to map out what I was going to do and when, I felt excited, energized and in control. However one thing I forgot is that personal growth is messy and doesn’t always go the way we plan.

I forgot that I have things to work through and many times it takes longer than my timeline would allow. One area for me is with my eating. I been really enjoying my new lifestyle of eating healthy and trying to focus on how food reacts to my body. However I also must admit that I also effect what food I put in my body. I am an emotional eater, and it goes way back to my childhood. I guess that I could try to come up with a number of reasons why I eat the way I do however in truth most of them are just excuses and half-truths.

So here I am about a month into this whole transformation and we are at the point where I need to take a look at the work I have done and figure out what to do next. So what have I done?

While first I have some much needed personal time and time to celebrate my amazing friends and their personal successes. I have been getting workouts in and reconnecting with my body. However I have also fallen off my eating and not listen to my food voice like I should be. So the scale is back where it was when I started however I am not giving up.

One thing about me is that I am a survivor in truth all humans are. We are meant to change, grow and deal with challenges.  Sometimes they can get overwhelming and we can end up in Pity City (this is where I go and eat really bad!) but we need to drive out of Pity City and enter the land of our creation.

What do you want to create? I am sick of living life the way people tell me to and want to start living a life of my design. That can be scary, I love rules and following them so making my own seems crazy. But how do you ever get to the next level without challenge what is and how things are done?

So where am I: tired, overworked and trying to find a new way. What I know is that getting past how I am feeling and to a new reality is going to take work, saying no to some stuff and saying yes to new stuff.  What I keep telling myself is that its ok to put myself first and to focus on me a little bit. If I am not whole, then I have nothing to give but junk.