Jesus, My Mercy and Reconciliation

Below is a retreat talk I gave earlier this year, people ask about your purpose in life and what your Why is. I am not always sure I truly know but what I do know is that I am a work in progress, constently growing, changing evolving.

Open Song: Papercut by Linkin Park

Forgiving Others

I love the line in that song that says, we all have a face we hold inside. For me there has always something inside myself I was battling, but it’s been through Jesus and my faith where I have found my mercy and my ability to heal, grow and forgive.

Apologizing wasn’t something that came naturally to me or was ever really taught to me growing up. Up to the age of seven I was primarily raised by my mother who was an addict, while I was still living with her, her primary drugs of chose were heroin, cocaine and alcohol. I bring this up because I am not sure if any of you grew up similarly but there is not apologizes in addiction households. It might seem silly but partly because many times, the person does not remember what they did, or because to talk about it made it more real. An example I can pull from growing up is that my mother broke her best friend’s nose, a woman who helped to raise me named Roz, and there was never an apology for the action.

 

So forgiving others, or knowing how to ask for forgiveness was not something that was part of my early education. My education in this area came much later and after a lot of personal pain. Anger and hatred have a funny way of eating away at us, my anger turned me against people and against God. When I was seven, my mother began to downward spiral that started when we received the news that my 16 year old brother had been shot and killed by a 15 year old boy name Jeremey during an argument. Then when I was ten I then got another phone call that my mother had been found dead on the side of a road. The circumstances around her death are still not clear to this day.

To say I had a lot of areas I was pouring anger out onto is an understatement, however the truth was that none of the people I was angry with had any idea or were effected by my rage. My brother’s killer was in jail on as different charge by the time I was in high school, my mom’s ex boyfriends who left bruises on her had move on, the dealers that fueled her habit didn’t remember her, and my mother was dead and God…while to me God thought I was big joke. How untrue I know that is now however that where I was at sixteen.

However, God always has a hand and his mercy was still working through my life even during this time. This all became apparent during an experience that forever changed me. First part of it was actually during a retreat I was forced into going onto by my mom’s best friend how had taken over raising me after my mother died. I remember a talk about what reconciliation was, and understanding how because of my hatred, my anger, my unwillingness to forgive and ask for forgiveness I was blocking my relationship with God. Now while I didn’t fully know what type of relationship I wanted with God, there was something in me, underneath all the brokenness that wanted something. And while I couldn’t fulling express it I knew it was there. A month later I had a personal encounter with a homeless woman at a free lunch program I was volunteering at as part of a Young Christian and Work Holy week retreat, it seems odd and the only way I can explain it is that, this woman looked like my mother and somewhere deep deep down inside me there was a clarity that my mom wasn’t suffering anymore, that through her death she was freed from a life full of pain. It was Holy Thursday when this took place, now I look back and I am able to make the beautiful connection between the last supper and this supper program for me. The next night we celebrate stations of the cross, and at the station where Jesus meets his mother, I was mentally taken back to walking into our apartment the day my brother was killed and vividly remembered the look on my mother’s face that day, she was completely broken, without will to fight or do anything, I can only imagine Mary must have looked similarly. That night I went to reconciliation and at first I couldn’t say anything and finally I started to talk and cry and talk and cry. For the first time I could remember I finally said out loud that I was mad at my mom, my brother and at God. I remember Father Gary just listening and finally I remember the weight that was lifted off of me during absolution.

I also like to say here that it wasn’t a quick fix, but it was the start of the journey, I started to go to mass with Roz again, and really listening to what was said, I spent time journaling about my anger and I read a lot, from everywhere. By summer people who hadn’t seen me since the start of the change told me how they didn’t recognize me at first because I looked so different. And it had nothing to do with my outward appearance, it was an internal change that was shining outward. That following spring, I was finally confirmed.

Forgiving Myself

If my teens where about learning to forgive other people, my 20s have been a lot about forgiving myself. Because while I had let go of the pain others had caused me, I still held onto a lot of stuff I believe was my fault. I have always wanted to be perfect. When I was little it was about, being the most perfect daughter on the face of the earth, in hopes it would stop my mom from relapsing. In school it was about proving I was more than my learning disability. In my 20s it was to prove that I was more than the girl with the dark history. The standards I held myself to and still do at times (we are all a work in progress right) were beyond human. This failure lead me to a lot of unhealthy habits, I struggle with body dysmorphic disorder, which is a big fancy why of staying that I don’t realistically see my body. It has throughout my life lead to bouts with anorexia and bulimia.

While I was able to forgive others, I have always held myself to a high standard. In some ways I was a good thing, it help me to work hard and make progress. It lead me to competing and winning scholarship money in pageants, completing a Master’s degree in Public Administration and being totally self-sufficient by 20, living on my own and working full time while going to school full time. However nothing was ever been good enough. No pageant title was big enough, no degree was high enough, and ect. And because my standards could never be met and sometimes I still struggle with this, I was a failure in my own eyes. I was trying to create a perfect life, as a way to prove that I was a good person.

Then at 26 I found myself facing the biggest failure I could imagine, I broke off my engagement to my boyfriend of 3 years and found myself for the first time totally alone, in a city that wasn’t home and having to rebuild my life for the bottom up. Before I broke the engagement off, I was at mass after receiving communion and I just prayed that God would let me what to do. I promised I would obey whatever he led me to. The evening the answer became clear. Still I remember feeling like such a failure and humiliated for my decision.

I was suffering, I was in pain, I was fat. Yes, I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life and with my body issues that became even more depressing for me. So there I was living in a studio apartment, without my friends due to the breakup, alone and fat. However I had a hope that the breaking down who I thought I should be, was going to help form me into what I needed to be in this world. The issue was, I couldn’t hear God, I was in a deep personal dark night of the soul and I had no idea how to move out of it.

I found my place of forgiveness in the oddest area, a gym. I was on a journey to loss the weight I had put on from my breakup and get back into pageant shape. Once again looking for external approval of myself. A friend of mine recommended I contact a personal friend of his for help losing my weight. I trusted my friend and because of that trusted my coach. I remember sitting down the first time to meet with him about my goals, he asked me if I had ever heard of CrossFit before. I remember it as I probably almost laughed and said all I knew about it was that they yell at you a lot and make you throw up. He promised me no one had ever thrown up at his box (aka gym). I didn’t know why but like I said I trusted him and was desperate to try and take control of my body and that part of my life again. And while I was struggling, God gave me people who saw my potential in my far beyond what I could see. Once again God mercy and plan were there but in a very odd why. It took the breakdown of my relationships, body and life to create something totally new in me.

When I first started I was also working on a degree in Pastorial Studies and was in a class talking about suffering of all things, we were working through the book of Job and let’s face it if anyone knows anything about personal suffering it’s Job. Through the process of physical suffering, I was starting to develop a deeper relationship with Jesus.  I also started to look at my body differently. In CrossFit it isn’t so important what your body looks like, as what your body is capable of doing.

God made each of us fearfully and wonderfully made, we are to use everything he gave us to glorify him. God gave me this outlet and I was going to do the best I could through it. I realized that what was causing my lack of ability to forgive myself was stopping me from growing into relationship. I had to let go of what I thought prefect was to allow God to make me into his prefect child. Finally I started to feel a connection again. At the same time at CrossFit I had to let go of my end perfect goal, and forus on each small success and victory I had made. And the more I let go of what I thought my perfect life should be, the more God has opened up to allow me to see where he wants me to go next. And while it isn’t totally clear in CrossFit if I will ever be like Camille Leblanc-Bazinet (CrossFit Games Champion), because I am not her. And in my life its not clear what my next career or personal move should be, I am least at a place of listing for the answers again.

One of the scripture passages that I have reflected on during all of this has been from 2 Corinthians Chapter 12 V 7 through 10. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

So that’s where I am at now, I’m not perfect and at times I still hate it but I also know that my ability to be a disciple I need to not only forgive others but also forgive myself. Everything I have gone through, all the hardships have made me the person I am today. My ability to forgive others and myself has helped to free me to be more who God truly called me to be. It through his mercy and love I have been able to go into a better human being to honor him.

Closing Song The High Road- Three Days Grace 

What do you want to be when you grow up?

This is a question we are asked as we grow up, more and more you need to have a plan in life and an idea of where you are going. I don’t know if I really ever had that plan. Truthfully, while I did spend time figure out what I thought I wanted to do in high school, life found a way the pull me in a lot of different directions.

I always knew one thing for sure, I never wanted to be my parents. I know that sounds harsh, and please don’t take it as that I don’t love my parents. But I am also very realistic about the type of people that are/were. I have touched on it before by my mother passed away when I was 10 years old and had problems with drugs and alcohol and all that goes along with it. My dad, is really another blog for another day, but let’s just says it wasn’t easy growing up.

I am proud of all I have been able to do in myself even with everything that happened. I went to college and got a Master’s Degree something no one else in my direct family ever did. I have aunts and cousins who also have their Master’s. Work full time managing a retail store while holding now a full schedule of classes during part of that time. When I wasn’t doing that, I did some major hustling to make sure my bill were paid, working lots of different part time jobs and doing side work when needed.

I don’t have a problem with hard work by any means and think I have a really good work ethic. However more and more I feel like my life doesn’t have direction. I work hard and try my best at my positions. God has blessed me with people in my life that love me and accept me; however I wake up some days not sure where I am really going and if I have totally gone done the wrong path.

I ended up in Rochester totally by need.

About five years ago, I was sharing an apartment in Batavia with a roommate and things went south. I couldn’t afford the apartment on my own and was left with a couple options, move home, find another place to live or move in with my boyfriend of 6 months who I spent half my week with anyways. Moving home was not an option I would even entertain for a number of reasons, so I went with the easiest and fastest solution-move in with the boyfriend.

At the time I really did love (as much as you can at that point in a relationship) and deeply care for him and while it was way sooner than I have every hope for, I thought it was for the best. Rochester become a second home for me. Thanks to his circle of friends and my later job at Saint Kateri Parish, where I was able to form community. Then, like many stories, things went south with the boyfriend (at time fiancé). I can’t pin point totally a moment when it happened but slowly and surely I found myself unhappy in the relationship. I turned to food, drinking and taking many trips away to get away what was happening hoping something would make it all better, but nothing helped. Finally it all came to a head and the break up happened, for the first time I was going to have to figure out a plan for my life. I am lucky to have a strong sense of survival in me and I went full on into protection mood. I found a studio apartment to live in (cheap, available and fit my price range) and kept pushing ahead.

Then about six months after the move I had to deal with it all, to say I felt like a failure would be an understatement. I had in 3 years time gone from living in a 2 bedroom apartment that I have fully outfitted, to a one bedroom apartment but in the nicest area of Rochester, to finally a studio apartment, with a lot of hand me downs and in not the best area of Rochester. Here I was, a Master’s Degree hanging on the wall but totally alone, and not sure where to go.

I have to say however that over the last 3 years I have done a lot of work on myself. I found new passions, creating my circle of friends and loved ones and proved to myself no matter what I would be ok. However not I can’t keep living in survive mood anymore. I am stuck and I don’t know how to start moving upward again. Truthfully it’s time to really look at what I want from my life. I am not a kid anymore; I am getting closer to my 30s and its time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Just when I thought I had learned everything I needed to, it’s time to learn more

Failure

While it’s been a long time! Like most people life has seemed to get away from me. After competing in a pageant in October, I felt this odd sense of completion. I am not sure if you every experienced it but it was truly like I had closed a door and my life was ready to move on.

Move on to what was the really big question! I connected to train at CrossFit Fruition, as I did find a home away from home with this Box. Those are words I never thought I would be saying. Never had I thought I would find joy from lifting weights, running and doing box jumps. I however found a complete sense of belonging and satisfaction from my daily workouts.

I made the decision to ramp up my workouts and see how much and fast I would really be able to do, competition is just part of who I am and it seem like a natural fit to train and hopefully compete in something I really enjoyed doing. So here we are in my first CrossFit Open season.

Am I most likely going to do horrible….yea! My skills still need to be developed a lot but at least this way I will know what and how much work I need to put in. However even with this understanding…it doesn’t mean feelings of failure don’t creep up.

Failure is an issue I dealt with a lot, if I look at my life I can see a lot of failures….or I can see a lot of things I learned from. At some days I do see them like that, lessons I learned however sometimes it’s hard to see the glass half full and I don sink into feelings of being less then (fill in the blank).

So what am I trying to get at? 

While during those times when I feeling like a failure there are a couple of things I like to remember:

• Do not believe too strongly in appearances. I don’t believe I am alone at looking at my worst parts against someone’s best. I try to remind myself not to and at times it’s hard.
• It helps to have honest conversations with others. Whatever is your area of struggle find someone else who is working in it because you then become less isolated.
• There is no road map. This is true for life, of course, however I have found that when you start to plan the map will start to evolve.

I hope those help, look for me to start posting more! Next week I will catch you up on the pageant world.....even though I am done competing I have some exciting things still going on :) 

We Wear Purple of Fridays

During the month of October, we raise awareness of two major issues that affect women. Growing up I never understood how someone as beautiful as my mother would allow herself to be treated, verbal and physically abused by her partners. I remember her coming for visits with me with longs sleeves and heavy foundation to cover the bruises. However I know more than those physically marks it was the belittling and verbal assaults that left her feeling worthless and sadly desiring of the physical abuse.

I didn't completed understand how someone who brought so much love and joy into my life wouldn’t feel the same and I also couldn’t understand how anyone could ever want to hurt my mother. It took me years to understand what lead my mother to a place where she felt that if someone didn’t hit her, they didn’t love her. And while I will never completely be able to understand, I at least could see how my mother ended up there.

To me, my mother was vibrate, loving and in many ways childlike. She had a deep need to feel loved and accepted, and unfortunately those needs were preyed upon and created a horrible situation for my mother and for me at time also. I lived off and on with my mother till the age of seven. To go into detail about life back then seems unnecessary for this blog. To get a slight picture let’s just say life was filled with poverty, despair, abuse and addiction.  At the age of seven, a mother’s greatest fear happen to our household. My sixteen year old bother, Sammy, was killed during an argument with his friend. Sammy was shot and killed by a fifteen year old classmate and he died before help could get to him.

Our home went from broken to shatter beyond repair, and so was my mother’s soul. Shortly after I went to live with my father full time and my mother story took a darker, sadder and heart breaking spiral downhill. Ultimately, two weeks following my tenth birthday, we received a call that no family ever want to receive. We were notified that my mother’s body was found on the side of a country road in Genesee County. How, why and who might have been with her leading up to her death is still unknown, 17 years later.

My heart felt ripped from inside of me. Thinking back on that day even now, I can remember the feeling so vividly, yet it still so indescribable. We know some facts leading up to her death and one that I do know that my mother boyfriend had on multiple occasions described to my mother how he would kill her. I know that my mother suffer greatly at the hands of the person she was dating prior to her death. And I believe whole heartily that while he might have not killed her, the abuse she suffered was a huge part of the path that lead to her death.

So why do I wear purple in October? I do so in memory of my mother who never left, I do so in celebration of my legal guardian who did leave her abuse husband, and I do so for the next generation in my family who I hope never suffer this type of abuse.

I believe everyone is created in God’s imagine and we are meant to be cherish and loved. Also that we are meant to live happy and holy lives. No child desires to wonder like I did, why mommy was so sad or why she was hurt. No family should ever get phone calls like mine had to receive.

My mother isn’t here to tell her story, and I wish her story had a happy ended, but because she didn’t. I promised her that my story would, that I would honor her with my relationships and how I lived my life. But more importantly that I would tell her story, our family’s story in hopes that it would effect and change other’s lives.

And that is why I wear purple. 

What Am I Doing???

Hey Everyone

Many people have been asking about my amazing results I have been getting and what work out plan I am doing. While you ask and I answer!

I keep saying how amazed I have been with my results and I am being totally honest. I didn't really think I was going to see results or love this work out as much as I have. If you have questions please contact me. I am just so over joyed with having arm muscles and feeling fitter, more powerful and in control of my results. Here are the top ten questions people ask about Combat from Beachbody with my extra notes :).

10 Frequently Asked Questions About LES MILLS COMBAT

1. What could LES MILLS COMBAT do for my body?

LES MILLS COMBAT is a full-body training program that combines highly effective calorie-burning moves and sequences from 6 different martial arts disciplines with High-Intensity Interval Training to specifically target your fast twitch muscle fibers, proven to have the greatest capacity for transformation. In short, it’s designed to help make you very fit. Expect a lean, chiseled look, not a bodybuilder physique. AND do you! I can't believer the change in my arms alone. I also have to say I love love love interval training I get such an amazing work out and really feel like I am using my time wisely. I am very busy so the lengths and power of the work outs is great

2. Will I lose muscle tone if I switch from a program like P90X® or LES MILLS PUMP to LES MILLS COMBAT?

Not at all. In fact, you will maintain your results and continue to build lean muscle mass. That said, the workouts are not as focused on heavy weight training as either P90X or LES MILLS PUMP, and you don't focus on hypertrophy (muscle growth) as much as you would in P90X. In truth I haven't done P90X so can say personally anything on this point

3. If I have bad knees or ankles, will I be able to do LES MILLS COMBAT?

We always recommend that you check with your doctor first. Whether or not you are able to do these workouts depends on your situation and how injured you are. LES MILLS COMBAT is high-intensity training. There is always a modification option that makes it easier and less impactful, but you still need good coordination and movement abilities. If your doctor clears you to do martial arts, then you can do LES MILLS COMBAT. If not, we recommend you choose a lower-impact program. Some of you know that I have a funny hip issues (deals just with how my body grow and there isn't much that can be done for it.) However I haven't had any pain from this workout in that area...but you know your body then anyone else

4. What kind of music is featured in the program?

LES MILLS COMBAT's dynamic martial arts sequences, moves, and combinations were carefully choreographed to some of today's most popular music, as well as old-school rap, disco dance beats, and classic tunes. From "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race" to "You Can't Touch This" to "YMCA," all of our scores were chosen for their ability to inspire, energize, and fuel your workouts—and they've all been amped up a notch to give you that extra adrenaline "kick" as you power your way through LES MILLS COMBAT's high-octane workouts. The MUSIC IS AWESOME!!!!!! I love love love music in work outs and it helps to motivate me and keep me going...I actually got a ton of the music and listen to it all the time now

5. What is the difference between LES MILLS COMBAT and LES MILLS PUMP?

The LES MILLS PUMP workout features light weights lifted for high reps, to help you achieve lean muscles and a toned look. LES MILLS COMBAT is a high-intensity and explosive aerobic endurance program designed to scorch calories, shred fat, and help you get that chiseled, fit body. I haven't done PUMP however through this program I have really fallen in love with how Les Mills does programs and would love to try it

6. I'm not very coordinated. Will I be able to do LES MILLS COMBAT?

Yes! In fact, doing LES MILLS COMBAT will help you become more coordinated. "The Basics" workout will teach you the techniques and various "guards" and "stances" that will be the foundation of later moves. Just go at your own pace. If you get lost, there's no harm in hitting the "pause" button, rewinding, and trying the movement again. I am a dancer by training so this one is hard for me to compare. I would say its easy to pick up and the basics dvd helps out alot

7. How much equipment do I need for LES MILLS COMBAT?

You will need your own dumbbells, within a certain weight range, for the POWER HIIT 1 workout and the Ultimate Warrior Kit's WARRIOR 1: UPPER BODY BLOW OUT to advance your fitness level and get serious definition! Dumbbells are optional for the SHOCK PLYO HIIT 2 workout and the Ultimate Warrior Kit's CORE ATTACK. You may also find that wearing the LES MILLS COMBAT Training Gloves when you're working out will amp up your intensity and help you deliver more accurate punches. Get the Gloves for sure and I keep having to move up weights its awesome! 

8. How long is the LES MILLS COMBAT program? How many workouts are there?

LES MILLS COMBAT is a 60-day workout program, and you can follow one of three calendars: the introductory Combat Warrior Calendar, the more intense Supreme Warrior Calendar, or the extreme Ultimate Warrior Calendar. The Combat Warrior and Supreme Warrior Calendars are built from the 7 workouts (30 to 60 minutes each) in the LES MILLS COMBAT Kit. The Ultimate Warrior Calendar uses these and integrates the additional workouts available in the Ultimate Warrior Kit. I am currently doing the Combat Warrior but plan on moving onto the Ultimate right before the pageant....It is easy to schedule into my day. You need to make your fitness a priority, its taking care of what you leave in...you need to take care of it.

9. I've been doing BODYCOMBAT® at my gym. Is LES MILLS COMBAT similar?

Yes. LES MILLS COMBAT is the at-home version of BODYCOMBAT, taught by LES MILLS COMBAT–certified trainers Dan Cohen and Rachael Newsham. I love Rach and Dan and they know their stuff for sure, I am going to start going to BODYCOMBAT also I love the program that much

10. Can I do a hybrid of this and LES MILLS PUMP?

Absolutely. You can incorporate a LES MILLS COMBAT workout into your LES MILLS PUMP routine by using one of the LES MILLS COMBAT workouts on your recommended "Walk" day in the LES MILLS PUMP workout calendar. However, it is not recommended that you supplement your LES MILLS COMBAT workouts with those from LES MILLS PUMP. Again I haven't done PUMP but will be adding it in soon so I will keep you up to date

If anyone wants to know more about being part of a Beach Body Challenge group please let me know. I highly recommend them because they help to keep to motivated and accountable. A new one will be starting with me on May 5th and I can send you all the details. Also for more on Beachbody check out my site here. 

Tune in next week as I review some of the newest supplements I have added into my life!

Suffering

Here is the last part of my 3 part blog looking at different values I have come to find important in my life, Happy Lent Everyone. Join me next week as I start looking at my newest workout program, trying to make time for myself. Also be prepared for some big stuff coming next month as I start looking towards my 27 birthday!!!!!

For me my understanding of suffering is closely tied to of our Lord’s embrace of suffering and death to redeem us from our sins. As God the Son, Jesus could have chosen any way to redeem us. So the fact that he chose to redeem us through his suffering and death necessarily gives meaning to every human beings experience with suffering and to my own also. Because we are joined to Christ, our suffering is joined with his, and participates in the redemption He accomplished. One way I have describe this idea to teens is that at times in our lives things breakdown however we wouldn’t have breakthrough in our personal life if those breakdowns didn’t happen. Because Christ would not have been able to give us Easter Sunday without first going through Good Friday.

Understanding this has helped me be able to offer up my suffering and embrace it as part of my human journey. We offer up our lives and our sufferings formally, in the Mass, by consciously offering ourselves up with our sufferings, along with Christ to God the Father during the offertory. Informally, we “offer it up” simply by asking God, in the midst of our suffering, to join our suffering to Christ’s, and to use our suffering. For me this is a helpful way to move through suffering as I wait on redemption. The relation between our present life and the life to come is the condition for the meaningfulness of our sufferings in this present life. The gospel shows us that suffering is an opportunity given to us to participate in our future blessedness by offering our present sufferings, in union with Christ’s sufferings, to God in self-giving sacrifice.

Suffering is part of the human condition however it is how we react to it that truly effects are perception of the suffering and how we get through it. Throughout my life I have not always chosen the most positive reactions to suffering however my reaction to suffering as changed as I have grown in my own understanding of how I am made in the image and likeness of God and how I have come to a deeper understanding of my own personal freedom. It is the integration and understanding of how God is acting in our lives that helps us come to a deeper meaning and understanding of faith. For me answering and understanding these parts of myself has been a part of my journey to come to deeper understanding of the movement of God within my life.

Freedom

Welcome to part two of my reflection on values that I hold. Hope that its making you think and come to some deeper understandings. 
While we are made I the image and likeness of God we also have human freedom to choice and make our own choices. It is part of what sets us apart from other creatures; as humans we are the ability to look at situations and problems internally. When I am dealing with an issues or a choice I have to make, I can use reason that is within me to make this decision. While animals’ base all choices in survival. They do not deliberate and then decide to turn away. By contrast, we are able to formulate the thought: I don’t want to be the kind of person who does such-and-such. We can be motivated by such thoughts. We not only make choices; we evaluate our choices regardless of whether our evaluations are themselves caused by forces behind our control or not.

This is something that we grow into as we get older, for me this was something that I have grown into over the past ten years. Once I moved away from home and started to be able to make all my own choices, I had grown into a lot more human freedom, however had to grow more into questions and looking at decisions, using reasoning that is also part of the human freedom took longer to develop and happened after making bad decisions that didn’t reflect the person I wanted to be.  Human freedom is the unique ability, to reflect on and evaluate our desires and to choose one course of action over another, at this part of human freedom is the one where we need to make sure we are connected and reflecting.

From this point being spiritually free means to allow the movement of the Spirit to work through my freedom to help guide me and help me see what path I am meant to take in my human journey. In our lives there are always a number of areas we want to stay in control off. However for me I can note a number where my control of the situation isn’t coming from a place of following what I know is true, it comes from a place of fear to let go.

Human freedom is an ability. It is the unique ability, made possible by reflecting on and evaluate our desires and to choose one course of action over another. Only once I was able to accept this, I was then ability connect this to being morally responsible for what I take part in. This is where being connected to our spiritual freedom is so important to me. I very involved in social justice and it comes from this place of realizing that my freedom gives me also the ability to see and help those in need and work on creating more justice systems around us. This for me is the importance of moral responsibility and spiritual freedom, in our lives as moral beings, in our social practices including what we do daily and what we ignore.

With freedom however also come the chance to make mistakes, which I have done throughout my life. Because we make our own choices we can choice to move in a bad direction and at times we fall and we suffer. While not all suffering is our own doing, how we react and look at suffering is also effected by our faith. Christian believes that no suffering is ultimately meaningless or pointless. God always has a good purpose in allowing suffering, even when that purpose is inscrutable to us. We always have a choice in our suffering, whether to trust God as our loving Father, and receive the good gift that He is giving us, or to rail against God in distrust and anger.

For me I have seen both sides of this, there were many times especially after the death of my mother that I was so anger with God I couldn’t see how anything good could coming into being through my suffering. I also couldn’t see where God was in what was happening. However after the suffering was over, I was able to come to a deeper understanding of where God was even in my darkest moments.

Made in the Image and Likeness

Welcome to my 3 part blog on looking deeper at some of the values I hold. This came out of a paper I wrote for a class I am currently taking at St Bernard’s School of Theology and Ministry. Hope you find it inspiring and fulfilling. I thought it was great time since we are currently in Lent. 

All my life people have reminded me that I am "made in the image of God." It's a nice thought, and probably one that at times I used to try to remind myself of my own value as a human being. However at times it has been one that I have had a hard time accepting. In reality, "Made in the image of God" is an audacious claim and carries some responsibility with it. We all know we are not gods, and at times I can think that I felt very far from being even close to this claim. However while it is true that I am not God throughout my life I have come to see how I am godlike.

It very hard for us to ignore that fact that we are like God, when you look at Genesis it talks about how God created man and women in his image and likeness (126-27). So in many ways in being human we are meant to fully reflect God through everything we are and do, from our intelligence to the relationships. While this is a powerful statement it’s is one that I have had a hard time fully allowing myself to believe through my life.

So, what does it mean to be created in God's image to me now? I view it as that we each are almost a snapshot of God. I have found the more I embrace that God loves me and that he created me in his imagine I am more able to following my own path to  fulfillment and what God desires for me. I feel the greatest pleasure and wholeness when who God made me to be is fully developed and expressed.

But in what ways have I come to see how I am made in the image of God? I come back to how I see God in myself that If I could take a snapshot of God, what would we see and what would it reveal about humans created in God's image?

First way I found how I was in the imagine and likeness of God was through dancing. We know that God is creative, he created everything on earth and every one of us. As humans we make things. Artists make things with paint. Poets, writers, philosophers and lawyers make things with ideas and the compelling use of words. Every human has the capacity to make things, to create, because we are all made in the image of a creative God.

 So for me I came to see this through dancing. I danced from the time I was five through my undergraduate degree. I still dance to this day but not at the same level I once did. It was an outlet but also became a place I created. I can remember choreographing the “dream” part of the dance of the gym in West Side Story. In it I moved around the stage making Tony and Maria get closer to each other. It was creative but after a number of people told me how moving it was. Later I was able to choreograph a number of liturgical dances for youth masses that Diocese of Buffalo put on, I began to see how I could use my gift to glorify God but more and more realized that my ability to create was given to me by God.

How I communicate I believe is another way I see how God has created me in his likeness, because God communicates. The human ability to think and reason, to use language, symbols and art, far surpasses the abilities of any animals. This gift was bestowed when the communicative God's image was imprinted on us.

One of the clearest examples of this in my life I can remember is when I was a sophomore in college I worked on a program called Young Christians at Work. The program took place during Holy Week and because I went to a state university I didn’t have time off from classes, but really felt called to working on the program. I worked with my teachers and got all my work done before hand to go and have to really talk my boss at work into letting me go. At the time I was working full time and didn’t have vacation time to use, so I worked two twelve hours days before leaving for the program. I really thought I was just going because I loved and enjoyed the program as a teen and wanted to still help out. However once I started to work at the program I realized I was there for a greater purpose. That year there was a very quiet girl that year who really broke down during an activity and as I tried to calm her down, I realized she recently lost her cousin during the war and felt so alone. I shared with her about losing my brother and how I knew they were still watching out for us and there when we needed them. I was able to connect and communicate with her on a level that helped her start healing. Later that year I received a letter from her thanking me again, something as simple as communicating help someone more through a very difficult situation.

The last way I found that I am made in the image and likeness of God is in my relationships. The phrase, "Let us make man in our image" reveals an "us-ness" in the very nature of God. The very essence of God is relational, and that essential quality has been imprinted on humans. This capacity for a relationship with God extends to humans, which is why the Genesis story declares that God created Eve for Adam because "it is not good for man to be alone." I have come to a deeper understanding of how I am made in the image of God through my relationship with others. Many times they have been the ones to see God in me when I am not able to. During the hardest and darkest parts of my depression and eating disorder, I didn’t see at all how I was made in the image and likeness of God. However is was those I was in relationship with, my friends and family who saw amazing qualities in me that God had been given me, even when I couldn’t. It was through relationship that I was first able to again see God in my life and in myself. 

Hitting the hard part of transformation

When I started this great idea of personal growth and started to map out what I was going to do and when, I felt excited, energized and in control. However one thing I forgot is that personal growth is messy and doesn’t always go the way we plan.

I forgot that I have things to work through and many times it takes longer than my timeline would allow. One area for me is with my eating. I been really enjoying my new lifestyle of eating healthy and trying to focus on how food reacts to my body. However I also must admit that I also effect what food I put in my body. I am an emotional eater, and it goes way back to my childhood. I guess that I could try to come up with a number of reasons why I eat the way I do however in truth most of them are just excuses and half-truths.

So here I am about a month into this whole transformation and we are at the point where I need to take a look at the work I have done and figure out what to do next. So what have I done?

While first I have some much needed personal time and time to celebrate my amazing friends and their personal successes. I have been getting workouts in and reconnecting with my body. However I have also fallen off my eating and not listen to my food voice like I should be. So the scale is back where it was when I started however I am not giving up.

One thing about me is that I am a survivor in truth all humans are. We are meant to change, grow and deal with challenges.  Sometimes they can get overwhelming and we can end up in Pity City (this is where I go and eat really bad!) but we need to drive out of Pity City and enter the land of our creation.

What do you want to create? I am sick of living life the way people tell me to and want to start living a life of my design. That can be scary, I love rules and following them so making my own seems crazy. But how do you ever get to the next level without challenge what is and how things are done?

So where am I: tired, overworked and trying to find a new way. What I know is that getting past how I am feeling and to a new reality is going to take work, saying no to some stuff and saying yes to new stuff.  What I keep telling myself is that its ok to put myself first and to focus on me a little bit. If I am not whole, then I have nothing to give but junk. 

We are 11 days in!

Wow it’s hard to believe how much life has changed over the past couple weeks. A quote I love is that in life you are either finishing a crisis, in the middle of one or about to start crisis. That is very true for me, a couple weeks ago I never would have thought I would be moving and rearranging my life. However sometimes there are bigger plans then the ones we have for ourselves.

 I knew with my move that I wanted to live in a healthy way of my own design. I wanted to use this time to dedicate to myself, my health, my happiness and to my future. Finding balance is something I have always struggled with in my life. I say Yes more than No, even when I want to say no.  And while I know I have unlimited potential, sometimes I over esteem what I can all do at one time.

Focusing on me seems really selfish at times to me still but I am working on that as much as I can. I was lucky to have a holiday weekend to start up with transformation and allow me to settle into my new place, do touches to make it feel like home and figure out what a perfect day for me looked like.

So what does it look like? It starts with breakfast in the morning follow by weight training and getting ready for the day. Lunch is usually still a busy time but making sure I have good options that fill me and I enjoy finally nighttime is when I do a little yoga, journaling and reading. I am trying to keep work at work and home at home. Living alone at times has been hard; it’s hard not having someone to come home to or to talk about my day with. I have found the journaling is really helping me process my feelings and move through this change in my life.

I can’t really totally tell the changes in my body so far, I know that I feel better eating the way I have been, with very limited meat protein, no dairy or gluten.  I have been really focused on my water intake and trying to get 8-10 glasses in every day.

Helping in all of this has been an amazing book by Bethenny Frankel called Naturally Thin. Bethenny wrote the book awhile back, I believe it’s her first book she released. In the book she talks about not dieting but instead using common sense rules that will help you move through life being in touch with what she calls your “food voice”. Your food voice helps to tap into what you want to eat, when you want to eat it, and how much of it you want to eat. The book then goes into more details on these rules.

 So how have I used the book? First the idea that your diet is your bank account and they you have to treat it that way, you want to end every day feeling like you have a balance bank account…and if you don’t then you have to adjust the next day. It’s about your overall picture not the calories.

Something else that I have been trying to do as much as possible is not doing anything else while eating, trying not to be doing homework, watching TV, checking emails while eating. That way I can really focus, taking my time and listen for when my body is telling me it’s had enough. How many times do we eat and don’t remember what the food tasted like?

These have been big shifts in my thinking and I continue to make naturally thin changes as I am going along, did I magically drop 10 pounds?  Well, no (duh) but I feel more in touch with my body then I have in the past for sure.

So what is next? This weekend I am off to cheer on an amazing young woman as she competes for the title of Miss America. I will get to spend time with some of my favorite pageant people, see Atlantic City and recharge my batteries a bit. Biggest challenge will be that I won’t be on my perfect schedule or be cooking my meals. I am really going to have to put some of Bethenny’s ideas to the test and I will let you know how I do.

My updated workout pictures can be found on the Facebookpage!

Day Four

While I survived the move, which was all done over the course of a week in 89-90 degree temperatures and trying to guess when it might rain. It was defiantly hard and at times so exhausting I just wanted to throw my hands up and give up. However I am so blessed to have some many people encouraging me and helping along with it that every time I felt like giving up, I got right back up and keep on moving.  One of my very good friends sent me an amazing message right after the break up happen, reminding me that I am one of the strongest people she knows and that if anyone can get through this I can. If that doesn’t keep you moving I don’t know what will.

I am official moved into my first place where I am leaving completely by myself, it’s a studio apartment that is five minutes away where I work and central located to get pretty much anywhere in Rochester. I have crazy about finding creative storage ideas online and also figuring out what I want this new space to look like (colors will be blue and yellow with gray, cream and dark wood to accent).  I am planning on changing it around as I start to discover the new me.

I started back working out and I been really focus on being good to my body and taking care of me. It’s just a refreshing change. How often do we pour into others without pouring into ourselves? It happens so much and I feel very liberated for allowing myself time to myself.

I start every morning with weight training or cardio. I am currently using the Supreme 90 Day system and I will keep you updated on my progress as I go along. I haven’t found a review of the system where the person is completely at the end of the 90 day period. So we will see how I look after. I finish every night with yoga and journaling. It really has helped to get me on a better sleep schedule. I am trying to keep to getting eight hours of sleep whenever possible and also am very big on getting my 8-10 glasses of water in a day.

I am currently reading Naturally Thin by Bethenny Frankel and I can tell you I am loving it! It’s really changing the way I look at food and how I feed myself. Look for my full review of it coming early next week

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How do you treat yourself during a stressful time? Through this process I am really learning to love myself through the process and try to keep a positive attitude on life and on what is coming next.  That doesn’t mean that at times I haven’t felt like a failure or so distort I am not sure what to feel  but I try to move out of “pity city” as I like to call it quickly and focus on all the amazing things that I can do now to get ready for what is next.

I know that true happiness comes from taking care of and knowing yourself first so that is where I am at. Remember to like our page on Facebook to get pictures, ideas, inspirations and check my progress!

Journey of a Thousand Miles

When I came up with the idea for this new blog looking at transformation, I thought I had a pretty good idea of what this next stage of my life was going to look like. I was going to take 90 days to prep my body, mind and soul for this new adventure. However sometimes journeys are not what they appear on the surface.

Two weeks ago, after much prayer, thought and deep soul searching, my engagement and relationship of three years broke up.  I don’t intend to get into the details of it all here out of respect to the other party and also to the respect of the relationship that while ended was a huge important part of my life for so long. I will however say that while you might know what is happening is the best thing for everyone, it doesn’t make it hurt any less or be any harder.

I do fully thank God for giving me such an amazing support system. From my family who have open their arms so lovingly to me and been such a rock through this. To my amazing extend family of friends, who have let me have space but check in, reminded me of my strength and reminded me that my future is so much more then my past. This support system is and will continue to help me talk, cry, laugh or scream my way through this process.

So what is next for me? I have a new chapter really opening, over the course of the majority of my “adult” life, I have never been single. I can remember a couple months here and there but for the most part I have always been in a committed relationship. So here I am single, living in a studio apartment alone, working, going to school and still wanting to work on the same goals I did prior to this happening but with a new focus.

So what is my new journey about? It’s about claiming who I am as an individual, being a strong, motivate individual that loves me for me. It’s about finding out about the person I am as designed by the creator and being happen with who I am in this skin.

A tall task right? Yes but I think a very important one, one that I am finally giving myself permission to take. Self-growth isn’t always easy but it’s a worthy process for those who chose to take it. 

Timing is Everything

I know what I need to do to take care of myself, I mean especially when it comes to taking care of my physical body. Every week on some talk show, they talk about the need to work out and eat right to stay in shape and healthy. However knowing what to do and doing it are two very different things.

For me one of the biggest challenges is making the time for it. I am trying to really get my career going, also trying to stay in touch with my friends and family and on top of it all I am also trying to plan a wedding. That makes my free time almost nonexistent. But really we all have the same time, it is how we prioritize and use it that really matters. For me it meant really looking at what is important and why, because if I want to change my life I need to change the way I look at everything in my life.

This is where my major issue lies, looking at my schedule stuff for other people have taken over and leave little time for me, and the time I did have I was so exhausted that I couldn't do anything if I wanted to. So I realized that I needed to start making rules about what I put into my life. When looking at my weekly plan sheet, the first thing that I had to put in (for lack of a better word) was when I needed to be at my office, and trying to make sure it is a total of 35 hours only. I need to work to make money to live however I don’t need to drive myself in the ground. Then I needed to put to put in some me time, time for the gym, cooking, planning meals. Yes that means that I will be taking away time from other things but to get where I want to get with my own personal growth I need to put it before other things. Also if I am not taking care of myself, what use will I be to others? After that I needed to put in prayer time and personal growth time. If you look at my current two weeks (see below) you will notice I don’t have a lot of that. I am working towards it however!

Finally making sure I put in time for friends and family. That’s been a little hard, however really this is trying to get to the ideal and it might sometimes fall short. I needed to make a way to really look at what I am planning and why, filling out the sheet for the next two weeks really help me have a reality check on what I am doing with my time. It was a good lesson going forward.

Meal planning is another area that I have really committee myself too. Just like with my weekly plan sheet I also plan out meals for two weeks. One so when I go to the store I know what I need, also so I know if I have a big meal plan for the next day, I will start prepping my food the night before. I made a big deal out of this for another reason also, I saw when I didn't plan what to eat I am much more likely to grab for something fast and also normally very bad for me.

Another reason is that I have been really trying to switch to a more plant based diet, where I limit my gluten, dairy and meat intake. This comes from a area of really wanted to only put the best I can into my body and to also limit the amount of chemically I put in my body also. It is a lot easy to stick to this when I am planning ahead. This has also helped me get really creative with me meals also, trying to eat this way have made me really thing about what I am eating and also how what I eat affects my mood.

One of the major questions looking at my plan sheets is the fact that I really haven’t plotted out time for my two other areas, my real focus is on getting on track with my physically health. I decided to prioritize this first is because for me it was an emergency to start with. Because I am not in a healthy place and I need to really get better. However there is another reason, for me physically taking care of myself always puts me in a better place mentally also. I get energy, and a better mood. It’s not surprise but what we eat and what we do really effects are mood. So I know by focusing here, I will also get farther in my other goals also without even focusing on it. 

Day One

Alright we are here at day one of the transformation! Yesterday, I talked a bit about why I choice to do this over 90 days. One of the reasons was because I had a couple of areas of my life I wanted to work on, and I knew that I wouldn’t able to give them all the focus all at once. I am not someone who believes in multitasking however I also believe very strongly in mapping out as much as possible ahead of time so that you are able to fit in all the pieces of your life.

Note I said believe, practically I will admit that this hasn’t been something I am very strong at. I let my commitments take over my life and then find very little energy or desire to put the effort into other areas of my life, the biggest area this is true for…Exercise! This is the first thing I push off my plate when times get busy and like anyone who has done their research about stress, those are the times I really need it the most. So I thought this might be one of the best places to start on my journey.

First, because it’s an area I have already started to try and focus on in my life. As I stated before, I have gained a good amount of weight over the last couple months and battling my weight is not all that new to me. It has been something that I started to struggle with in middle school. For me personally, many times the weight starts to come on without me even paying attention to it. I can remember not even realizing it in middle school until I developed (yes this was back before digital cameras!) a roll of film of myself and found a picture of me sitting on my couch at home with what look like a tire wrapped around my stomach. To say I was shocked, embarrassed and upset is an understatement.  

This time around I had a bit of a better idea, mostly because my clothes started to fit rather tightly and I couldn’t fit into some of my smaller sized clothing. The most upsetting part of me was when I attempted to fit into a dress I bought for Seminar (more on that in later post) and wasn’t able to wear it or any other gown in my closet.

Starting this journey I knew how important it would be to create goals for myself. My preferred method for goal setting is called setting a SMART goal. For those that haven’t heard about it, it’s a little way to not only set a goal but make sure you are able to reach and achieve it. It goes as such. For today I will use it to focus on my physical goals.

Specific. Instead of setting a general goal like wanting to lose weight, I wanted to take a real look at what my needs were in this area. Was it really to lose weight? Well no. My goal was to create a lifestyle change that would be healthier for me. Now it would be impossible for me to expect myself to work out 4 hours a day, eat nothing but a paleo diet and devote my every waking moment to creating a lifestyle. So I need to really look at what I wanted to accomplish over the 90 days and what my resources are. For me, it’s to lose the weight I have put on over the past couple months and to integrate a more balanced diet by following the guidelines of the 24 day challenge.

Measurable. My weight is a very easy thing to measure, because I have access to a scale. I also will follow my measurements and I am looking into finding someone to do my body fat percentage. My measurements and weight I have already started to track. As far as the diet goes, every day it’s looking at my fitness pal app and seeing if I am eating and following what I said I would.  I highly recommend this app because it gives you one place to store all your information.

Attainable. Can I really reach this goal? This also means looking at the time and energy I have to devote to it and see if it’s something that I can do. For me it wouldn’t be attainable to run a 5k in a month because I never have ran before really in my life. However it is attainable for me to lose 20lbs in 90 days and to expect myself to work out at least 4 times a week.

Realistic. Again, is this something that I can do in the timeframe I gave myself, that doesn’t mean it isn’t going to be hard. It will be it means really honoring this commitment to myself and to my health and to also realize that it means giving up some stuff also. There is no sense in lying to yourself by setting the bar too high or impossible.

Timely. I have built in timing however it’s also important to set smaller goals that will lead to this bigger goal. For me I am lucky I had a check in at day 10 of the challenge and will have another one on day 24. I will then make my own check in points and set smaller goals. So for example my goal for the first ten days was to lose 10 pounds. Guess what, it didn’t happen, I only lost eight but that just means I have to work harder to meet my goal of losing a total of 15 by the end of day 24.  Meaning that you should try aiming for a certain target at different points, it also helps the goal to see less overwhelming.

So there is my first SMART goal for my physical transformation, now it’s about using that for my personal motivation in my daily life. And with this goal that means scheduling and planning ahead of time.

So that is major personal task for today, to map out and plan the next two weeks in a way that I can truly stick to and while being honest but still challenging myself of what I am capable of doing.  This also means fitting in this planning between two major projects at work right now, I am prepping for our Summer Junior High Intensive Program for faith formation which will run August 12^th-16^th and getting all the final paper work into the diocese for NCYC in November. All this while going to a conference this weekend, and cheering on my friends as they run their first official Miss America local pageant Saturday…oh and did I forget to mention that I leave for Dallas on Sunday! Super excited but it means that I am super tight on time also. 

But life and personal growth isn’t always easy but it’s worth it and if we don’t start today we might never!  

So Why Now?

So yesterday I talked about the plan and a little bit why I thought it would be interesting to take this journey.

Why now? While each person has a different reason to make changes in their lives but for me right now seem like a great time for a couple of reasons.

It really all starting a couple months ago, in April I turned 26^th as I said in my last blog. However I hadn’t given much thought to this birthday leading up to it. My fiancé planned a big wine tour for me and I was so excited about getting together with so many of my favorite people, I didn’t really think about the number. However it was after my birthday and all the fun I had that it really starting to sink in that I was well…not a kid anymore. I started to do the math and realized that I was four years away from my thirties. I wasn’t completely sure what that made me feel like till awhile later.

Birthday Wine Tour Group!

Last year I graduated with my Master’s degree and was honored and called to accept a job as the Director of Youth Ministry at a parish in Rochester, NY.  It was a job I was excited about, but also required a ton of work to really get myself caught up to what had been happening at the parish, knowing more about the community and finally figuring out what God was asking me to do in that community.

However , the busyness of trying to play catch up and trying not to miss a beat in the parish also lead me to really neglecting the last part of what I just said, I was so busy doing that I started listening to what God called me to do in that community. This all really started to hit me after my birthday. The end of April is always a hard time for me. Every year my birthday is followed by the anniversary of my mother’s death. My mom was only 42 when she died, so even more the closer I get to that age the more and more fearful I get about not leaving a legacy behind.  Really that is a blog topic to come in the future but however let’s just say that also began me thinking about who I am now as a young women and not a college student.

I started to see that I have a very different role and needed to start redefining myself in this new stage of my life. I knew who the Vicky of undergrad and graduate school was; I can still even remember what high school Vicky was like (or the multiple different version of me that happen during those times of my life). But I didn’t know who this professional, engaged woman was that I had become. In reality and truthfully the 26^th year old Vicky kind of came on me without me thinking about it.

In June more changes happen, a dear friend passed away shockingly and left me really in a spot of seeing many people from a very different period of my life. Nothing makes you really question who you are as losing someone or being remind of who you use to be. So dealing or my lack of dealing really with these question lead to me stress eat and as I got on the scale at the beginning of July I was 20 pounds heavier that October. I knew I had to do something and I also knew that my spiritual questions, mental struggles and my physical challenges were really all tied to one big issue….I didn’t know who I was at this stage and I was just piecing together things without a direction or confidence that I once had in my life.

So here we are my goal is to start doing small changes and as I try things, to talk about them in this blog. I hope that I help you see how you can really take control and redefine yourself. My goal to create a confident, fun, and centered life for myself and through it helps you.

So, why 90 days? While it takes 21 days to make a new habit so first I figure I have three areas that I need to make new habits in, I better give myself more time. Plus I have a lot of work and as a very smart women once told me, you can eat an elephant (or a lot of stuff!) but you can only do it one bite at a time. So looking at my really big goals I wanted to give each small thing the time it desires. But I know by doing so I will have better clarity and confidence in the end.

So what is next? Do any of my problems sounds like something you have heard yourself say? I’d love to hear your story! Has what I need to work on inspire you to take up something for yourself? Hop over to the Facebook page and let me know!

Tomorrow is kick of day and I will start it off by sharing some of my measurable goals for this 90 days. 

90 Day to Transform Me

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. ~Melody Beattie

Greetings everyone!

Those who have read some of my past blogs know that for me I view life as a series of changes that we go through. Some are energizing and wonderful while others are unexpected and not so great…and of course there are ton in-between ones also! Since the last time I wrote here, I went through a couple huge life changes. I finished up my Master’s degree from The College at Brockport in Public Administration with a concentration in Nonprofit Management. I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years, I moved out of my “small town” to the City of Rochester and I started a new job as the Director of Youth Ministry for a catholic parish here in Rochester. All of this while retiring from pageants and turning 26^th.

Turning 26^th as had a huge impact on me, and I am still starting to understand and sort through the impact of this new stage in my life. This birthday symbolized for me the end of my “college career” and starting my real life as an adult in a way.  And it has been a very odd feeling, for someone who felt like they matured pretty quickly growing up the idea of being so resistant to becoming a “real adult” seemed odd and confusing to me.

On top of all that, no one tells you how your body starts to change in your late 20s! Those who feel the desire can flip back through some of my old blogs and see that battling my weight has been a struggle throughout my life and it has seemed to get harder the older I get!

I have been lucky enough to find a really great transformational approach to food and also helping to recharge my body called the Advocare 24 Day Challenge. I will speak a lot more about that in my next post however I am on day nine of my 4th time through the program and it really has helped me start to look at food, eating and my body in a different way.

The change at how I look at my body really made me starting thinking about my life in general.  No one tells you what this stage of your life is going to be like, because for everyone this is a stage of true personal journey.  Just think about how at the same age, people are at such different stages. People I graduated high school with for example, some are married with children, some single, some traveling and some are still living at home! So this is defiantly a time where there is not road map for me to follow in my life and I need to make it up as a go.

In the middle of all, I also am struggling starting in a new profession and learning what my life is called to do. I am a big believe that I never what to do something because it makes a lot of money or makes me famous but rather because what I am doing is meant for me and also will positively impact others. I don’t want to be famous I want to know that my life and what I do creates meaning in the world. Now how am I supposed to clearly do this for others, when truthfully I am not sure where I stand with myself right now?

So all this lead to a breakthrough (or crazy depending on how you look at it) idea, why not devote 90 days to myself, improving myself physically, mentally, emotions and spiritually?

Novel idea, I mean how many self-help books, coaching programs and day time talk shows deal with this topic? For me it means it’s something people are interested in and if I am searching for a way to figure out who I am, and all these books are about it I can’t be alone. So then I thought, why not start blogging about this?

So now to come up with what I am going to do? Here are the areas I want to focus on over the next 90 days:

Physical Transformation: Some of my major goals in this area are to tone up, lose body fat and also start transforming how I eat. I am really concern with the amount of chemicals we put into our bodies and want to dedicate myself to making positive changes in this area as much as possible. Small Goals: Drink 8 glasses of water a day, track and start getting the proper amount of sleep of 7-8hours whenever possible

Mental Transformation: I know I kind of mocked self-help books but I think coming to terms with where I am at this part in my life and who I am is very important. I am becoming a different and new “me” if you will so I need to start figuring out what’s important to her. The purpose in this area is to allow for emotional healing, reframing my thinking and moving forward. Some steps towards this? Daily Affirmation, I am a firm believer in needs to reinforce daily in your brain what you want to be. So over the 90 days I will not only create an affirmation for myself, I will say daily and I will back in up with journaling and other ideas I find along the way.

Spiritual Transformation: I truly believe in the power of God in our lives and have my own personal practices as a Roman Catholic. However I feel like being so involved in planning and making spiritual awakening open to others, I really have started to let go of focusing on me. This is one area I have a pretty developed plan on, I took spiritual formation as a class last semester and tomorrow will post my promise to myself that I will follow through with over the next 90 days.

So come along the ride with me, the office start date is August 1^st, stay tune for more information and this crazy journey.