Even as I am writing this I am struggling with the whole idea of this. Honesty is something that I have try to keep at the forefront of this blog. However sometimes we go through things that are hard to share with anyone even ourselves. I am a huge fan of Celebrate Rehab, in part because it gives me away to come to terms with my own mother’s addiction. One of the biggest issues I had growing up was feeling like I was the only person in the world going through what I was going through.
My mother’s disease affected me deeply, as addiction does affect the entire family unit that tries to survive around it. My family was no different and my roller coaster with dealing with my mother’s addiction was no different. It’s a hard balance to strike recognizing the addiction and its power and control and also knowing how much my mother loved me.
However, like anyone I have my own issues. While dealing and coming to terms with everything else was going on I went through a very horrible awkward phase during school. It was hard to make friends for me because I was very shy and would withdraw easily. Dealing with my learning disability only added to all the problems. As if I didn’t feel like enough of a freak, I could hardly spell anything and reading out loud horrified me because I would come to a number of words I didn’t know.
The one place I wasn’t like this was in music, art and theater. When I was doing something involving one of these areas, I just came alive. It’s amazing how great it can feel to get to be another person for a little period. To get lost in the music or getting lost in what you are working on. I have always used dissociation, sometimes in a proactive positive way. I would go to dance and get lost in the music or be in a play and just lost myself in becoming someone else.
However there are times when this has been a not proactive way, it isn’t something that I have complete control over, nor is it really when not proactive is a positive way of dealing with issues. There are times that I completely shut down and that I am complete separated from my body. It’s scary and worries me a lot. We are having problems and as we try to grow in our twenties you have to deal with these negative ways of dealing with things, because as you get older your problems become greater and harder to deal with. Sometimes the ways you use to deal with things don’t work anymore.
With a lot of this being at the front of my thinking lately, I have been trying to come up with new ways to motivate myself and also get myself in a better place. Being busy has always been important to me however lately being busy as caused me to be exhausted and unable to focus. I love having a million things going on however it’s impossible to do everything when you are being pulled in every direction and you are just trying to play caught up.
So once again I start a new journey in my life trying to find that balance and the happiest life I can. With this new chapter I thought this song was slightly fitting
